(Washington, DC — January 18, 2017) – The following is an advance copy of Donald Trump’s (R-NY) first inaugural address, which will be delivered to an audience of hundreds worldwide on January 20, 2017. It was obtained at great risk and at a great price; many Bothans died to bring us this information.
My fellow Americans,
Wonderful weather we’re having today, OK? If you ignore the fire and brimstone falling from the sky, and if you ignore the temperature being a perfect 451° Fahrenheit, it’s a pretty nice day for a book-burning, believe me!
And speaking of the weather, I understand that they are at this very moment having snowball fights in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell. So, since Hell has frozen over, it looks like I was right about global warming being a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese, OK? Imagine that: I was actually right about something, OK? This is tremendous, OK? This is this is YUUGE!!!, believe me!
And let me just pause and say that by “Americans” I mean those of you who blindly voted for me, OK? Those of you who are so incredibly delusional as to think that I’m going to fulfill every promise I made during my campaign, OK? I’m glad you helped out; after all, I do like the uneducated, believe me!
As I stand here and marvel at the blank, ape-like expressions on your inbred faces, I cannot believe the unfathomable stupidity of the American electorate. Sad! I can’t figure out how I’m actually standing here, believe me! I realize that this is YUUGE!!! This is tremendous! Standing here as a devout Christian who cheated on his first two wives, I can compare how I feel at this moment to my third wife, Melania, because both are a 10, OK?
There are those who would set us against one another – the Democrats; the dishonest media; those who spread “fake news” across the Internets; the companies who want to move their jobs to Mexico while I manufacture my brand of clothing in Bangladesh; the women who are offended by my offers to grab them by the pussy; the women who must be punished for having abortions; the disabled reporters who complain when I mock them; the blacks I said are living in Hell.
My administration will have no tolerance for these people, and they will be dealt with accordingly, OK? After all, just like no one knowing more than I do about military strategy, no one knows more about deals than I do, OK? And I have the bankruptcies and lawsuits from unpaid contractors to prove it, believe me!
Today I stand here as the duly-elected Leader of the Free World. And I won with overwhelming numbers, tremendous numbers, YUUGE!!! numbers, bigly numbers, believe me! The facts that show I lost by 3,000,000 votes aren’t facts; they’re falsehoods, perpetrated by evildoers and people who, in spite of being born in America, aren’t real Americans, OK? Now, your First Lady, Melania, who wasn’t born in the United States and came here illegally, she’s both a 10 and a real American, OK?
Those who disagree with these facts will be hunted down, OK? Those who say I am an illegitimate president will be hunted down, believe me!
As we stand on the threshold of a new beginning, I assure you my resolve has never been stronger, OK?
For its entire history of about 40 years, the United States of America has been a Republic. Sad! Effective immediately, I am ordering its reorganization into a new entity, known henceforth as the Fourth Reich, for a safe and secure society, which I assure you will last for 10,000 years. The Fourth Reich will be ruled by a sovereign ruler chosen for life – namely, me. And I will take the title of “Chancellor” – just because, OK? While I hear some want to use the name “Darth Orangutanus” to address me, I think I prefer the “Chancellor” title because it’s tremendous and beautiful, OK?
This will also mean suspending the Constitution, OK? I’ve never read the Constitution anyway, but I know that Article XII gives me the right to do this, OK?
Now, in order to keep peace and order for the next 10,000 years, I am instituting my own private police force, OK? I’ve named this police force my Sicherheitspolizei. It has a nice ring to it – specifically, a Göëring. Ha-ha-ha. I’ll bet you did Nazi that coming, OK? Ha-ha-ha.
But to keep it simple – and “simple” is probabaly all you inbred hicks can handle – my Sicherheitspolizei will continue to be known as my Trumpist Brownshirts, OK? Keep it simple, I always say, OK? Simple while instilling fear and terror, believe me!
Speaking of rings, I’d like to thank Sears for contributing to my inauguration by manufacturing commemorative jewelry, OK? Not that I’m going to pay them for their efforts, believe me!
Now, a great number of you have nothing to worry about, believe me! I will paraphrase Charles Manson and say if you don’t do anything illegal, and you beware of the eagle, my Trumpist Brownshirts won’t bother you, OK? Of course, the term “illegal” means saying or doing anything that disparages me, OK?
And you don’t have to worry about the qualifications of my Trumpist Brownshirts, OK? These are the same people who have been beating up people at my Nuremburg rallies since June 2015, OK? So they’re well-qualified, believe me!
Now, one of my first priorities is removing the scourge of Obamacare from the face of the planet while keeping the Affordable Care Act, OK? Obamacare is a disaster, OK? It’s the worst thing ever, believe me! It’s worse than Gigli, OK? It’s worse than Shanghai Surprise, OK? It’s worse than Joanie Loves Chachi, OK? Well, maybe not worse than Joanie Loves Chachi – that Scott Baio is a whack-job and can’t act his way out of a paper bag. Sad!
So Obamacare going to be repealed, OK? And it will be replaced with something terrific, OK? It will be so much better, so much better, so much better, believe me!
I had promised to repeal it on Day One, but you can see that it’s January 20 and it’s still law, OK? But it will be repealed, believe me! Anyone who doesn’t believe it will be repealed will have to deal with my Trumpist Brownshirts, OK?
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove those who are disappointed that Obamacare is still the law of the land from the audience]
And, for good measure, the 20,000,000 who are about to lose their health insurance by Obamacare’s repeal? Sad! I think they should be rounded up, too, OK?
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove those who are about to lose their health insurance thanks to Obamacare’s repeal from the audience]
House Speaker Paul Ryan recently lied when he said there will be no deportation force. Sad! I proposed such a force during my campaign to get rid of the 11,000,000 illegal immigrants in this country, OK? Well, he’s right in that there will be no “deportation force” – by that name, believe me! I’m announcing that my Trumpist Brownshirts will take care of the problem, OK? In fact, they’re taking care of it even as we speak; while I stand here, they’re fanning out across the Mall and removing anyone who looks remotely illegal, OK?
Now, I have adjusted my campaign promise to say that we might only be able to get rid of 3,000,000, but anyone who complains about this broken campaign promise will also be deported by my Trumpist Brownshirts, OK?
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove those who look illegal from the audience]
Speaking of illegal immigration, I am happy to see that Congress is getting to work on funding the Great Wall of Trump, OK? This YUUUGE!!! wall will separate Mexico from the United States, keeping out the Mexicans because they’re all rapists, criminals, and murderers, believe me!
Now, I have adjusted my campaign promise to say that the “wall” might be nothing more than a series of fences, OK?
And while I promised that Mexico would pay for it, Congress is going to make Americans pay for it instead, OK? Anyone who complains about this will have to deal with my Trumpist Brownshirts, believe me! Sad!
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove those who don’t want to pay for the wall from the audience]
And speaking of people who are illegally here today, I hereby disavow my previous statements about Barack Obama being an American, OK? I am switching back to my long-held belief that he was born in Kenya, OK? So I am going to have him removed immediately from this stage, believe me!
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove President Obama from the stage]
Now, much has been made of my alleged relationship with Russia, OK? Sad! Well, I don’t know Russia, OK? I’ve never met Russia, believe me! The facts that show I have had business dealings with Russia for at least 30 years aren’t facts; they’re falsehoods, perpetrated by evildoers and people who, in spite of being born in America, aren’t real Americans, OK?
And I’m tired of this “GoldenShowergate” thing, OK? Sad! I’d like to tell my detractors to just piss off, OK? I think I’ll send my Trumpist Brownshirts to take care of this problem, believe me!
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove those who believe in GoldenShowergate from the audience]
The intelligence community is trying to tell me it’s really happening, but this is the same intelligence community that said Saddam Hussein had WMDs, and he didn’t, OK? And this is the same intelligence community that didn’t know the Confederates were massing against Fort Sump Pump in Charles Town, OK? Sad!
The intelligence community is participating in fake news, OK? They’re making me think we’re living in Nazi Germany, OK? Sad!
So they’ve been wrong in the past, and they’re wrong now, OK? And I know this because I know more than the intelligence community, and I know more than the generals do, believe me!
So the sanctions imposed on Russia just aren’t fair, OK? So I’m going to remove them, OK? I am told that only Congress can remove them, but if Congress doesn’t go along with what I say, they’ll have to deal with my Trumpist Brownshirts, OK?
Now, another group I had planned to support was the Jews, believe me! I planned on fully supporting Israel and its right to any territory it wants, OK? But I’m told by David Duke, who I disavowed and don’t know personally, even though I have met him personally, that the Jews are evil, OK? And the Ku Klux Klan, which will be a tremendous part of our parade today, wants to deport all of the Jews from America, OK?
My tremendous associate, my tremendous non-anti-Semitic associate, Stephen Bannon, agrees with this assessment, OK? So I’ll have to figure out how to support Israel while treating Jews unfairly, OK? Thankfully, I have my Trumpist Brownshirts to lean on, OK?
But don’t worry about the Jews, OK? Bannon tells me he’s got some nice camps in Poland for them, where they’ll essentially be at a spa resort, believe me!
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove the Jews from the audience]
Finally, I am happy to be able to say that we will launch a crusade against radical Islamic terrorism, OK? Going after 1,000,000,000 people – what the worst that could happen, OK? And I’m going to start right now, right here, believe me!
- [Pause so the Trumpist Brownshirts can beat up and remove the Muslims from the audience]
Remember that shining city on the hill? I bought it, OK? And had it re-zoned and then tore it down, OK? And in its place I will build something tremendous, believe me! And I won’t pay the contractors or union officials for their hard work, OK? And it will be so much better, so much better, so much better!
And so, my fellow Americans, as not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for me, OK?
Thank you, and God bless those of you who are white Anglo-Saxon Protestant Christians. As far as the rest of you go, you’ll be in Hades soon enough, OK? Some call it Hell, I call it Hades, believe me!
OK? OK? OK? OK? OK? OK? OK? OK?