Donald Trump (R-NY) and Melania Trump

Donald Trump (R-NY) and Melania Trump

(Washington, DC — January 20, 2017) – An adulterous, anti-Asian, anti-Catholic, anti-disabled, anti-Hispanic, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-obesity, anti-Semitic, anti-veteran, homophobic, Islamophobic, hypocritical, misogynistic, narcissistic, paranoid, pathologically lying, pro-Klan, psychopathic, racist, schizophrenic, small-membered, sociopathic, treasonous, xenophobic bully is now President of the United States.

As the End Times are levied upon us, in Donald Trump (R-NY) America now officially has its first illegitimate president.

At 11:59am ET, in front of a crowd of about 100 wearing red “Make America Great Again” hats, Squirrelhead Donald placed his left hand on the Lincoln Bible, a copy of The Art of the Deal, a recently-released German reprint of Mein Kampf, and a VHS tape containing evidence of his trysts with Russian prostitutes at Moscow’s Ritz-Carlton. At the same time, he extended his right arm and straightened his hand while reciting the oath of office as stipulated in Article II, Section1, Clause 8 of the United States Constitution:

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

There is already debate over what was said just after his recitation of the oath. A number of bystanders located near Trump, speaking on condition of anonymity, claim he added the following words after having the oath administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts:

“I guess I should read the damn thing at least once before suspending it by Executive Order, OK? I mean, more than just Article XII, believe me!”

His first inaugural address followed – while his Secret Police, known as the Sicherheitspolizei but more commonly known as Trumpist Brownshirts, simultaneously got to work and fanned out across the Mall to remove the new president’s dissenters and detractors.

Donald Trump (R-NY) Inaugural Parade January 20, 2017

Donald Trump (R-NY)
Inaugural Parade
January 20, 2017

The 45th POTUS will be using the title of “Chancellor” instead.

A parade, whose route was lined by tens of admirers, was to last for hours.

When considering in historical terms the major-party candidates running for president who hail from the same state, Chancellor Squirrelhead is, in fact, the first person ever to be elected when losing their home state. In the other four such contests, the state’s winner went on to win the vote of the Electoral College and serve as POTUS:

Year State Winner Loser
1860 IL Abraham Lincoln (R-IL)
1,865,908 (national)
362,646 (IL)
Stephen A. Douglas (D-IL)
1,380,202 (national)
no ballots (IL)
1904 NY Theodore Roosevelt (R-NY)
7,630,457 (national)
859,533 (NY)
Alton B. Parker (D-NY)
5,083,880 (national)
683,981 (NY)
1920 OH Warren G. Harding (R-OH)
16,144,093 (national)
1,182,022 (OH)
James Cox (D-OH)
9,139,661 (national)
780,037 (OH)
1944 NY Franklin Delano Roosevelt (D-NY)
25,612,916 (national)
3,304,238 (NY)
Thomas E. Dewey (R-NY)
22,017,929 (national)
2,987,647 (NY)
2016 NY Donald Trump (R-NY)
62,979,636 (national)
2,814,589 (NY)
Hillary Clinton (D-NY)
65,844,610 (national)
4,547,562 (NY)

“Putting Russia’a manipulation of Election 2016 aside for a moment, these numbers are just one more reason why he’s the first illegitimate president,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And this reason can’t be stressed enough. Chancellor Squirrelhead hates being a loser. He lost Election 2016 by about 3,000,000 votes. And he didn’t even win his home state. So he’s a LOSER. And that must make him unhappy. Can’t wait for the Tweets from the Twit about this one!”

Another reason Chancellor Squirrelhead is viewed as a loser today? His string of broken campaign promises before taking office. Many of those promises were to take place on Day One, so at publication time he has about 11 hours left before failing at those as well.