The Bane of Our Existence

Bane

Bane

(Washington, DC — January 21, 2017) – The Republican Party got caught with its pants down – or, at least, Melania Trump’s pants – during the Republican National Convention, thanks to her acts of plagiarism.

It looks like Republicans have learned nothing from that scandal.

Melaniagate began on July 19 in Cleveland (temporarily known as “Nuremberg” for the Convention) when she addressed the crowd using parts of Michelle Obama’s speech from the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

Criticism was swift and brutal. Even Fareed Zakaria – author, journalist, and convicted serial plagiarist – spared no words to criticize the future first lady.

Fast-forward six months and the Trumps find themselves involved in another plagiarism scandal – but this time it involves the first illegitimate President of the United States.

During his inaugural address, Donald Trump (R-NY) plagiarized Bane, a villain from the world of comic book superhero Batman:

Chancellor Squirrelhead Bane
“Today’s ceremony, however has very special meaning. Because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another. But we are transferring power from Washington D.C. and giving it back to you … the people. For too long a small group in our nation’s capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have born the cost. Washington flourished but the people did not share in its wealth. Politicians prospered but the jobs left and the factories closed. The establishment protected itself but not the citizens of our country. Their victories have not been your victories. Their triumphs have not been your triumphs and while they celebrated in our nation’s capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land. That all changes starting right here and right now because this moment is your moment. It belongs to you.” “We take Gotham from the corrupt! The rich! The oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of opportunity, and we give it back to you … the people. Gotham is yours. None shall interfere. Do as you please. Start by storming Blackgate, and freeing the oppressed! Step forward those who would serve. For and army will be raised. The powerful will be ripped from their decadent nests, and cast out into the cold world that we know and endure. Courts will be convened. Spoils will be enjoyed. Blood will be shed. The police will survive, as they learn to serve true justice. This great city … it will endure. Gotham will survive!”
Inauguration of Donald Trump (R-NY)

Inauguration of Donald Trump (R-NY)

“Plagiarizing a character from a comic book is one thing,” said a comic book expert, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But why would you quote a psychopath like Bane, a character who holds Gotham City hostage and threatens to level the city with an atomic bomb.

“Sounds like a potential hero for another psychopath: Chancellor Squirrelhead.”

The plagiarism of Bane was a surprise to just about everyone, especially since Chancellor Squirrelhead had previously said that he planned on drawing upon the inaugural addresses of Presidents John F. Kennedy (D-MA) and Ronald Reagan (R-CA) for inspiration.

In the end, he drew upon neither. He also drew very little on a leaked draft previewing the inaugural address.

“I was surprised to hear about Kennedy and Reagan,” said a presidential historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Quite frankly, given Chancellor Squirrelhead’s temperament, I’d have thought he’d rather draw upon Hitler for inspiration.

“And given his ‘America First’ statement, I’d say I was correct. Unfortunately.

“Besides, the three men being President of the United States is about all they have in common. Kennedy was well-read. Reagan was well-read. Chancellor Squirrelhead’s face is red. The similarities end there.”

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