(Washington, DC — January 22, 2017) – During his inaugural address, Donald Trump (R-NY) referenced the country’s “American carnage” and declared that it would end. Immediately.
His “American carnage” reference will likely be one of the most-remembered quotes in inaugural address history:
- “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.”
The country’s carnage seems to be over; since noon on January 20, no one in the United States has died.
“It’s like death is on vacation,” said a spokesman for the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), speaking on condition of anonymity. “No shootings. No stabbings. No car accidents. No overdoses. No disembowelments. Even deaths by natural causes have ceased.
“Only someone with a direct link to either the Grim Reaper or Mephistopheles could accomplish something like that. Heil Chancellor Squirrelhead!”
Given his close association to The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway, Chancellor Squirrelhead does indeed have a direct line of communication to the Grim Reaper. And anti-Semite Stephen Bannon has weekly Tuesday luncheons with Mephistopheles.
But the country’s frozen mortality has had an adverse effect which may be a problem for the new Chancellor: No deaths means no business for hospital emergency rooms, morgues, and mortuaries. Mass layoffs have already begun.
“Now Chancellor Squirrelhead will need to bring back a whole slew of jobs,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, these people are just dying to go back to work.
“And the best way to do this is to start killing people. Thankfully he has his private police force, the Sicherheitspolizei – made up of his Trumpist Brownshirts – to get the job done.
“But the real lesson here is that Chancellor Squirrelhead should think before he speaks. Like that’s going to happen!”