(Washington, DC — January 25, 2017) – The “I’ll Say Anything That Has No Factual Basis” news tour continues at the White House, and it shows no signs of abating.
White House Press Secretary of the Week Sean Spicer and The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President and Soulless Angel of Darkness and Death, continued this week to spread misinformation on such a scale that their misinformation was misinformation about misinformation.
“If there was Pulitzer Prize for horse excrement in journalism, they’d be finalists,” said a “dishonest media” journalist, speaking on condition of anonymity.
- “This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration – period – both in person and around the globe.”
In fact, the crowd size was one-seventh the size of President Obama’s (D-IL) 2009 inauguration. And both the still photos and videos of the event prove it – conclusively.
Calling the dishonest media’s coverage of his pestiferous proclamations “demoralizing,” Spicer took no questions at that first press conference.
The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway then took to Meet the Press on January 22 to defend Spicer’s inaugural crowd statement, saying he had provided “alternate facts” to the media:
- “You’re [NBC’s Chuck Todd] saying it’s a falsehood and Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that.”
“There are ‘facts’ and there are ‘lies’ being flung about like crazy,” said a mass media specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. ‘Alternate facts’ are nothing more than lies because, well, guess what folks? They’re not true!
“Now, if The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway wants to live in Star Trek’s mirror universe, that’s her business. But the rest of us are in the business of dealing with reality.
Seemingly in over their heads, the White House has reportedly brought in a seasoned expert to assist with the daily denials and falsehood-flinging: Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. Yes, the Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf who served as Iraqi Information Minister under Saddam Hussein in 2003. Yes, the Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf known as “Comical Ali” and “Baghdad Bob” for issuing statements about Baghdad not being bombed by the United States – while buildings in the background were burning to the ground.
After the fall of Baghdad in 2003, al-Sahaf found work as a spokesman for a disparate clientele, including:
- the Allwood Bakery of Clifton (NJ)
- the Chinese government
- the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS)
- the National Library of Medicine (NLM)
True to form, al-Sahaf denied even being contacted by Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Trump Transition Team of Terror (TTTT), much less being employed by them.
“I triple guarantee you, I am not working for the current White House!” said al-Sahaf, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that I am not working for the current White House! Those who say that I am working for the current White House have no morals! They have no shame about spreading these lies and falsehoods! And those who lie and tell falsehoods will have their stomachs roasted in Hell!”
The aforementioned lies follow a disturbing pattern of other falsehoods and denials, some relatively minor in nature while others like GoldenShowergate – videotaped evidence of Chancellor Squirrelhead paying Russian prostitutes at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton to urinate on one another – are at the same time bizarre and repulsive.
But why all the lies in the first place? Experts believe it all comes down to one thing for Chancellor Squirrelhead: Ego.
“It was Charles Manson who warned that ‘old ego is a too much thing’ back in the 1960s,” said a criminologist familiar with the Manson’s case history, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Looks like that particular prediction has come true.”