Gorsuch Nominated to Fill Stolen SCOTUS Seat

Neil Gorsuch

Neil Gorsuch

(Washington, DC — February 1, 2017) – Donald Trump (R-NY) last evening nominated Colorado Federal Appeals Court Judge Neil Gorsuch to fill the vacant seat left by untimely death of Associate Justice Antonin Scalia.

Let four years of filibusters begin.

On February 13, 2016, Scalia was found dead at the Cibolo Creek Ranch resort in Marfa, TX. Upon his death, he immediately departed for the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell.

On March 16, 2016, President Obama (D-IL) selected Merrick Garland, Chief Judge of the US Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, to serve as the next Supreme Court Justice.

He was never given a hearing before the Senate.

Merrick Garland

Merrick Garland

Turtlehead and his 53 Republican Senate colleagues promised 100% inaction on Garland’s nomination, stating that the American people should get to decide on how to fill the current SCOTUS vacancy by the results of Election 2016, forgetting that they themselves were elected by the American people in 2010, 2012, 2014, and 2016. Moreover, Obama was elected by the American people in 2008 and 2012.

Turtlehead’s treasonous shell game clearly violated Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution, which maintains that the Senate is bound to consider a Supreme Court nominee.

“People are really, really mad at Turtlehead,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “What he pulled is unprecedented in modern politics, and possibly in the history of the country. And don’t be fooled: Garland’s hearings weren’t held up because of his lack of qualifications. They were held up because Turtlehead is a racist bastard who sought for eight years to delegitimize the Obama presidency.

Turtlehead (R-KY), Neil Gorsuch, and a Fellow Turtlehead Reptile

Turtlehead (R-KY), Neil Gorsuch, and a Fellow Turtlehead Reptile

“A grassroots movement is going after the Senate’s lead reptile with a fury I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed. The slogan ‘Drop Dead, Turtlehead!’ has taken on a life of its own, and it even has its own #DropDeadTurtlehead Twitter resource Twitter hashtag.”

This movement follows on another grassroots campaign – #ImpeachThe54 Twitter resource – to impeach the Senators who weren’t doing their Constitutional duty with regard to Garland.

“The 54 Senators got away with murder,” said a Constitutional scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They stole a seat on the United States Supreme Court. They didn’t do what was mandated by the Constitution, and what’s even more galling is that their obstructionism achieved its goal: Merrick Garland is not Chancellor Squirrelhead’s nominee, and he isn’t going to be considered for the SCOTUS.

“The issue isn’t that Gorsuch is or isn’t qualified to sit on the Supreme Court. The issue is that, for sane people, anyone but Garland getting a full and fair hearing means that the Supreme Court is tainted. And if Garland doesn’t get his hearing, and if Gorsuch – or anyone else – is confirmed, it’ll mean that people will view the Supreme Court as illegitimate.

Donald Trump (R-NY) Mocks the Disabled

Donald Trump
(R-NY)

“Imagine that for a minute: An illegitimate SCOTUS #IllegitimateSCOTUS Twitter resource installed by an illegitimate POTUS #IllegitimatePOTUS Twitter resource. Welcome to Hell.”

Chancellor Squirrelhead is considered by sane people to be the first illegitimate President of the United States because he lost the popular vote by 3,000,000 votes – a number he had repeatedly tried to investigate, doctor, and modify since taking office less than two weeks ago.

As far as confirming Gorsuch, Democrats face an uphill battle to keep him off the SCOTUS. Republicans outnumber Democrats – and the two Independents who caucus with the Democrats – 52-48. Even a 50-50 tie means the tiebreaker would be a Republican vote in Vice-President – and President of the Senate – Mike Pence (R-IN). Aside from a groundswell of opposition from three Republicans – unlikely since Gorsuch is a dream come true for conservatives – the best hope for the Democrats is the filibuster.

“Three words for Democrats in the Senate: Filibuster, filibuster, filibuster,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Everyone who didn’t vote for Chancellor Squirrelhead – and that includes the 3,000,000 more who voted for Hillary Clinton (D-NY) – is holding the Senate Democrats’ feet to the fire. [Senate Minority Leader] Chuck Schumer has to deliver. If they cave on Gorsuch, their careers are finished.

Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

Chuck Schumer
(D-NY)

“And I would be surprised if the Democratic Party could survive being complicit with putting Gorsuch on the Supreme Court.”

However, the filibuster may now be endangered.

The filibuster can only be broken by 60 votes; the odds of 12 Democrats voting to join their Republican colleagues are less than zero. So Chancellor Squirrelhead is urging Turtlehead to implement the Nuclear Option in the Senate. Simply put, it would eliminate the 60-vote threshold and instead institute a majority vote – meaning 50 votes (plus Pence’s tie-breaking vote) would be enough to confirm a Supreme Court justice.

“It would be an incredible breach of protocol,” said a Supreme Court expert, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And what’s even more amazing is that Chancellor Squirrelhead knows what the Nuclear Option is. After all, this guy is such a clueless moron that doesn’t even know what the nuclear triad is. And Rick Perry (R-TX), his pick to lead the Department of Energy (DOE), didn’t realize that DOE is responsible for the country’s nuclear arsenal. Oops!”

Republicans, of course, are quick to point out that former Senate Majority Leader Harry “NIMBY” Reid (D-NV) broke with 40 years of tradition by instituting a lesser version of the Nuclear Option in November 2013, eliminating filibusters for most nominations by presidents – for example, Federal judicial nominees and executive-office appointments.

The Election of 2016“I think it would be more difficult to argue against the Nuclear Option if NIMBY hadn’t gone and done what he did in 2013,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Given how far the Senate has gone in the past, it’s just a stone’s throw to go all-in. And since Democrats are going to oppose Chancellor Squirrelhead at every turn, I expect Turtlehead to do Chancellor Squirrelhead’s bidding. Sad!”

As far as Garland is concerned, he was reportedly the first phone call on Gorsuch’s list once the nomination announcement by Chancellor Squirrelhead was made.

Unnamed sources report that Garland told Gorsuch to go [explicative] himself.

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