Bowled Over by Bony Bluster

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

(Washington, DC — February 3, 2017) – The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway defended Donald Trump’s (R-NY) banning immigrants from seven Muslim-majority countries by citing the infamous Bowling Green Massacre.

Actually, it’s un-famous because it never happened.

In an interview with MSNBC yesterday, The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway referenced the faux event:

“Two Iraqis came here to this country, were radicalized, and they were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green Massacre. Most people didn’t know that because it didn’t get covered.”

The reference to the two Iraqis living in Bowling Green, KY – Mohanad Shareef Hammadi and Waad Ramadan Alwan – is true. The men were arrested in May 2011 on Federal terrorism charges after the FBI found that the men had built and used Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs) on multiple occasions against United States troops in Iraq in 2005.

Hence the Bowling Green Massacre, featuring two perpetrators who were radicalized before coming to the United States and whose victims – six American servicemen – were killed neither in Kentucky nor in the United States.

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

In 2013, the men plead guilty to Federal terrorism charges. Hammadi was sentenced to life in Federal prison; Alwan was sentenced to 40 years in Federal prison, followed by a life term of supervised release.

Additionally, contrary to The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway’s claims, the episode was widely covered. The incident caused outrage in Congress and President Obama (D-IL) pledged to review the records of 58,000 Iraqis who had resettled in America, as well as implement more stringent vetting of Iraqis coming to the country.

Obama’s actions, in the mind of Chancellor Squirrelhead, gave him cover with regard to his immigrant ban announced on January 27:

“My policy is similar to what President Obama did in 2011 when he banned visas for refugees from Iraq for six months.”

Contrary to Chancellor Squirrelhead’s claims, however, this was not a six-month visa ban.

Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

“If Chancellor Squirrelhead wants to enforce an unconstitutional ban, that’s his business,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But to justify it because of the alleged actions of past presidents is preposterous. And in this case the alleged actions are 100% false.

“Maybe Chancellor Squirrelhead would like to reinstitute slavery? That worked out so well for our presidents from 1789-1865. And making that announcement during Black History Month will make him so popular, so much more popular. Tremendously popular. I mean, we’re talking YUUUGE!!!”

And what of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who seems to be MIA regarding a high-profile incident in his home state?

“Like any reptile, Turtlehead is tucked safely in his shell, and he’ll stay there until this latest storm blows over,” said a Congressional specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But he’ll be sure to have his flippers at the ready for more important business – like repealing health care for 20,000,000 Americans. That’s the kind of stuff for which he reaches across the aisle to the other side!”

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