DeVos. Divisive. Diverst.

Betsy DeVos in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Betsy DeVos in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

(Washington, DC — February 7, 2017) – For years, the Republican Party has wanted to kill the Department of Education.

Today, they got their wish.

On a 51-50 vote, the Senate confirmed Betsy DeVos, Donald Trump’s (R-NY) choice for the next Secretary of Education.

Two Republican Senators – Lisa Murkowski (AK) and Susan Collins (ME) – joined 48 Democratic and Independent Senators in a “no” vote, requiring a tie-breaking vote by Mike Pence, Vice-President and the official President of the Senate.

The vote marked the first time in American history that a tie-breaking vote was needed for a Cabinet-level confirmation, a testament to just how toxic Washington’s political climate has become under Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Fourth Reich.

The Department of Education (DOEd) will now be run by someone with no experience in public education; she and her children attended private schools. And it looks like DeVos will be following Chancellor Squirrelhead’s lead in doing away with gun-free school zones.

A Grizzly Bear Hunting for Glue

A Grizzly Bear
Hunting for Glue

During her confirmation hearings, she stated that guns in and around schools aren’t such a bad idea. Asked about guns at schools in light of the Sandy Hook (CT) Massacre, she would not rule out guns, stating instead:

“I think that’s best left to locales and states to decide.”

Pressed further, she uttered what will go down in history as one of the most memorable and idiotic statements ever made by a Cabinet nominee:

“I think probably there, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies.”
Stephen Bannon and Donald Trump (R-NY)

Stephen Bannon and
Donald Trump (R-NY)

“As we all know, there’s a national epidemic of grizzly bears attacking public schools,” said a spokesman for glue-maker Elmer’s, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And what do they want? They want to steal the paste from little children’s desks. Well, no more! Giving a six-year-old a shotgun will allow them to protect their pens, pencils, and glue sticks from these nasty potential grizzlies. Just ask the NRA. It’s about time!”

“And, as we all know, if grammar school children had been given access to shotguns, the Bowling Green Massacre would never have taken place,” said a spokesman for The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Moreover, DeVos is an advocate for school vouchers paid for with taxpayer funds – essentially forcing the reimbursement of private and religious schools with the taxes of average, ordinary, everyday Americans.

“And by ‘religious schools’ we mean, of course, Christian schools,” said a DeVos spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, we know how President Advisor Stephen Bannon feels about private Jewish schools. We know they’re off the list.”

Indeed, DeVos as a devout Christian has said that school choice leads to “greater Kingdom gain,” raising the question of how she will adhere to the separation of Church and State in the public school arena.

Department of Education

Department of Education

“Simple,” said a spokesman for the National Education Association (NEA), speaking on condition of anonymity. “She’s going to dismantle the nation’s public school system. Or she’ll implement Christian Sharia Law in public schools which will drive parents to choose private schools.”

But the goal may go beyond the nation’s public school system. As previously stated, Republicans would like to simply eliminate the Department of Education altogether. And in appointing DeVos to the post, it may be saying something about Chancellor Squirrelhead’s misogynistic tendencies as much as Republican dogma.

“DeVos is at the Department of Education, which Republicans want to kill,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Governor Nikki Haley (R-SC) is our ambassador to the United Nations; Republicans want the United States to withdraw from the UN and even move the UN building from New York. And Elaine Chao is at the Department of Transportation; since one of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s allies said that the World War II Japanese internment camps weren’t such a bad thing, you have to wonder how long this Asian-American will be freely walking around.

The Grizzly Bear ... The biggest threat to public education since Betsy DeVos“So you have women in high-profile positions which are all short-term positions. Now, just how highly does Chancellor Squirrelhead think of women? Not very.”

For others, DeVos is the latest example of Chancellor Squirrelhead stacking his Cabinet and advisors with people who are completely incompetent and experienced in the jobs they’ve been selected to do.

“It’s like he went to a Republican graveyard and dug up bodies to serve him,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And for anyone who thinks having incompetent Cabinet members is a good idea, just remember Hurricane Katarina and Michael ‘Brownie’ Brown of FEMA. His emergency qualifications? He was involved with Arabian horses. Not such a heck of a good idea for someone who, in the end, didn’t do a heck of a job.”