For Education Secretary, Basic Math Adds Up to Cabinet Post

Betsy DeVos is Secretary of Education???!!!

Betsy DeVos is Secretary of Education???!!!

(Washington, DC — February 8, 2017) – With the confirmation of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education, sane Americans today attempted to come to grips with the death of the American public education system.

Apparently, $200,000,000 in political donations does buy you something.

On a 51-50 vote, the Senate confirmed Donald Trump’s (R-NY) Secretary of Education. The 50-50 tie was broken by Mike Pence (R-IN) and marked the first time in American history that a tie-breaking vote was needed for a Cabinet-level confirmation, a testament to just how toxic Washington’s political climate has become under Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Fourth Reich.

Aside from being 100% unqualified for the position, and aside from never having set foot inside a public school, DeVos’ real claim to fame was her statement against gun-free school zones:

A Grizzly Bear Hunting for Glue

A Grizzly Bear
Hunting for Glue

“I think probably there, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies.”

Environmentalists immediately shifted their focus to the plight of America’s grizzly bears, who will now be without a readily-accessible source of glue and paste.

And sane Americans immediately shifted their focus to just how someone with no qualifications for such an important job could have been confirmed.

“Doesn’t the 50-50 vote serve as a warning signal to anyone?” asked a Congressional observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “You don’t get down to such a close vote unless the topic is controversial or just a really, really terrible idea.

Betsy DeVos in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Betsy DeVos in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

“The DeVos vote wins on both counts.”

Speaking of counting, for those who continue to believe that Senate support for DeVos just doesn’t add up, they would be wrong.

For about 200,000,000 reasons.

It seems that multiple Republican Senators have taken hundreds of thousands of dollars from DeVos over the years. She herself admitted to funneling about $200,000,000 in donations to Republican candidates over the years.

And over $900,000 just recently went to the very Republican Senators that helped get her confirmed. While most received only several tens of thousands of dollars, Senator “Little Marco” Rubio (R-FL/Cuba), who once said that he and his fellow Senators would serve as a strong “check and balance” on Chancellor Squirrelhead, took over $100,000.

Marco Rubio (R-FL/Cuba)

Marco Rubio

“Remember the dollar amount here,” said an education specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Because whether it’s $930,000 or $100,000,000 or $200,000,000, that’s the price of destroying education in the United States of America. It’s a bigger slaughter than the Bowling Green Massacre.

“These Republican members of the Senate must be upholding the Chancellor Squirrelhead mantra of liking the uneducated. Because they just bought themselves generations and generations of uneducated Americans.


Senator State DeVos Contribution
Roy Blunt (R-MO) $33,100
Richard Burr (R-NC) $43,200
Bill Cassidy (R-LA) $70,200
Tom Cotton (R-AR) $26,000
Steven Daines (R-MT) $46,800
Cory Gardner (R-CO) $46,800
Chuck Grassley (R-IA) $21,600
Ron Johnson (R-WI) $48,600
John McCain (R-AZ) $36,600
Mitch McConnell (R-KY) $36,400
Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) $43,200
Rob Portman (R-OH) $51,000
David Purdue (R-GA) $20,800
Mike Rounds (R-SD) $46,800
Marco Rubio (R-FL) $101,300
Tim Scott (R-SC) $49,200
Dan Sullivan (R-AK) $23,400
John Thune (R-SD) $8,000
Thom Tillis (R-NC) $70,200
Pat Toomey (R-PA) $55,800
Todd Young (R-IN) $48,600
TOTAL $927,600