(Atlanta, GA — February 9, 2017) – Believing he’s not already seen as an out-of-control, pathetic, lying hypocrite, Press Secretary of the Week Sean Spicer has added to the Trump (R-NY) administration’s lore of alternative facts by making up yet another domestic massacre in an attempt to scare the hell out of the American people.
Not content with the now-infamous Bowling Green Massacre, the Trump Transition Team of Terror (TTTT) has shifted its focus to its soon-to-be-infamous Atlanta Massacre – though no sane American knows why.
In attempting to defend Chancellor Squirrelhead’s unconstitutional Executive Order, titled “Protecting the Nation From Foreign Terrorist Entry into the United States,” which bans citizens from seven Muslim-majority countries, Spicer cited terrorist attacks perpetrated by Muslims:
|Boston Marathon Bombing||Boston (MA)||April 15, 2013||Dzhokhar Tsarnaev
|San Bernardino Terrorist Attack||San Bernardino (CA)||December 2, 2015||Syed Rizwan Farook
It’s important to note that the Tsarnaev brothers were legally in the United States and of Chechen descent; Chechnya is a country not on Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Muslim Ban List.
It’s also important to note that both Farook and Malik were legally in the United States and of Pakistani descent; Pakistan is a country not on Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Muslim Ban List.
Going one step further, 15 of the 19 hijackers involved in the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks were of Saudi descent; Saudi Arabia is a country not on Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Muslim Ban List.
“It’s hard enough to get behind something as unconstitutional as that Executive Order,” said a legal analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But it’s not even banning the sources of these known terrorists. Of course, we all know that it’s because Chancellor Squirrelhead has financial interests in Russia, Pakistan, and Saudi Arabia. He’d never issue bans on those countries – not that there’s any conflict of interest there.”
But what’s even stranger is Spicer’s attempt to add the Atlanta Massacre to the list of Boston and San Bernardino when arguing the need to stamp out “radical Islamic terrorism.” Far from a one-time slip of the tongue, Spicer has repeated the allegation on multiple occasions.
There has never been an Islamic terrorist attack in Atlanta.
“Atlanta was the scene of a terrorist attack,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Unfortunately for Chancellor Squirrelhead, it was an example of ‘radical Christian terrorism.’
“At the 1996 Olympics, a pipe bomb exploded in Centennial Olympic Park, killing one person and injuring 111. The terrorist was Eric Rudolph. He wasn’t from Chechnya or Pakistan. He wasn’t from Saudi Arabia. And he wasn’t from Iran or Iraq or Libya or Somalia or Sudan or Syria or Yemen, either. He was from Florida.
“I guess Chancellor Squirrelhead will need to draft a new Executive Order banning travel to and from Florida. Apparently, that’s a hotbed of evildoers. Lots of ‘bad dudes’ down there.”
Of course, it’s entirely possible that Spicer was referring to a different kind of Atlanta Massacre: Super Bowl LI.
“The Falcons were up by 25 points over the [New England] Patriots,” said an NFL spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And they lost the game in overtime. It was good for ratings, but if that’s not a massacre, I don’t know what is.”