(Washington, DC — February 10, 2017) – Inexperienced and incompetent Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos tried to make things “business as usual” on Day One of her new post.
Apparently, she’s too inexperienced and incompetent to know that it just wasn’t going to happen.
Her agenda called for a visit to a public school in Washington, DC. Instead of facing smiling middle-school students whose lives she’s about to destroy, she was greeted by a throng of jeering protesters who blocked her path to the entrance of the Jefferson Middle School Academy.
“This was a complete shock to her,” said a DeVos confidante, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This was her first time in Southeast, so I guess she didn’t realize that this is a heavily African-American section of Washington, DC.
“I mean, she listened to Donald Trump (R-NY) inform African-Americans that they’re living in Hell, so she probably couldn’t understand why Chancellor Squirrelhead would send her to Hell on Day One.
“He, of course, was probably too busy sending angry tweets about Nordstrom’s to care about DeVos’ plight.”
Under cover of rubber bullets, tear gas, and water cannon, DeVos did eventually gain entry to the Jefferson Middle School Academy, making it the first time in her 59 years that she’d set foot in an actual public school. After the visit, she reportedly ordered her staff to dump a five-gallon drum of Purell over her head.
Once back in her office, she attempted to tweet some humor in reflecting upon the day’s events:
- Day 1 on the job is done, but we’re only getting started. Now where do I find the pencils? 🙂
She was subsequently roasted alive on Twitter; many people were only too happy to answer her question:
- At the store. Something you should know: we teachers buy pencils and supplies for our classes with our OWN money.
- You realize how NOT funny this is since most teachers buy their own supplies. But I bet you’re gonna pink slip them anyway.
- In one of the thousands of public schools you’re about to destroy.
- I believe they are made in China by children who will now have a better education than most of America’s kids.
- I hope the one you find has a good eraser. I have a feeling you’re gonna be making lots of mistakes.
- Probably should’ve budgeted for pencils when you were purchasing your position.
“You would think that someone who can afford to donate $200,000,000 to politicians could get their hands on a package of a dozen #2 pencils,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Instead, it’s just one more piece of controversy which highlights just how wrong she is for this job.
“And yet Chancellor Squirrelhead will say she’s the ‘most tremendous’ Secretary of Education in the history of the country. Of course, he’ll also say this applies going all the way back to 1743.”
For the record, the Department of Education has only been around since 1980.
In a way, DeVos is tremendous – the billionaire is tremendously despised and controversial. For the first time in American history, a vote for a Cabinet-level appointment ended in a 50-50 tie in the Senate, forcing Mike Pence (R-IN) to cast the tiebreaking vote on February 7.
She’s also tremendously derided, especially for her comments on providing guns in public schools to protect students from “potential grizzlies” who might happen by.
“Guns in schools probably seems like a ‘tremendous’ or ‘winning’ proposition to Chancellor Squirrelhead,” said a DeVos critic, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, I’m sure he doesn’t want to have another Bowling Green Massacre or Atlanta Massacre on his hands.”