Ivanka Buy Some Stuff – But Not Her Stuff

Ivanka Trump

Ivanka Trump

(Washington, DC — February 11, 2017) – The “Trump” brand continued to sink in both value and respect as additional retailers decided to drop items sold by Donald Trump (R-NY) and his family.

The Titanic stayed afloat longer than the Trump family’s reputation.

The retail bloodbath began on February 3, when Nordstrom announced it was dropping Ivanka Trump clothing and accessories.

“Nordstrom said it made the decision based upon poor sales of her products,” said a retail industry analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we all know that Ivanka was dropped because her father is a worthless, mean-spirited bastard.”

Another reason may be a social media campaign called “Grab Your Wallet” #GrabYourWallet Twitter Resource which urges a boycott of all things retail with the Ivanka Trump or Donald Trump name.

“Nah,” replied the retail industry analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I’m pretty sure it’s because Ivanka’s father is a worthless, mean-spirited bastard.”

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump
(R-NY)

Predictably, Chancellor Squirrelhead reacted to Nordstrom’s decision doing what he does best: He used Twitter:

“My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom Twitter Resource. She is a great person – always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!”

“I’m so glad Chancellor Squirrelhead can find the time to reprimand Nordstrom instead of – you know – running the country,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Sadly for Team Trump – but happily for sane Americans everywhere – the withdrawal of Trump merchandise didn’t end with Nordstrom.

TJX Companies, the parent company which owns TJ Maxx and Marshalls, announced this week that its stores will stop featuring displays that highlight Ivanka Trump’s merchandise. Her products will instead be mixed in with the rest of the dregs offered by the discount retail chain.

Sears Swastika Ring

Sears Swastika Ring
“Heil in Style!”

But the biggest blow yet may be the one announced today: Sears and Kmart announced they will no longer sell Trump Home products online. Moreover, their Ivanka Trump product sales took a nosedive in the weeks leading up to the Nordstrom decision.

“It’s very surprising to hear about Sears,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Given that Chancellor Squirrelhead has aligned himself with the ALT-RIGHT through his anti-Semitic lackey Stephen Bannon, and given that Sears sells a silver Swastika ring, it would seem that a Sears-Trump relationship was a match made in heaven.

“I guess it was doomed to descend into Hades – just like the rest of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s affiliations.”

One sign of hope: Other stores have vowed to keep selling Ivanka Trump products. You can find them at these fine retailers:

  • A&S
  • Alexander’s
  • Ames
  • Bamberger’s
  • Bradlees
  • Caldor
  • Fortunoff
  • Gimbels
  • Grants
  • Great Eastern
  • Hecht’s
  • Montgomery Ward
  • Ohrbach’s
  • Steinbach
  • Two Guys
  • Valley Fair
  • Woodward & Lothrop

But the pièce de résistance came in the form of illegal activity by The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway, Chancellor Squirrelhead’s anorexic counselor. During a television interview, she urged viewers to buy Ivanka Trump’s products:

“[Ivanka’s fashion line] is a wonderful line. I own some of it. I’m just going to give it a free commercial here: Go buy it today everybody. You can find it online … Go buy Ivanka’s stuff is what I would tell you. I hate shopping. I’m going to go get some myself today.”
The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway

The problem? The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway’s actions are a violation of Federal law:

§ 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain.

An employee shall not use his public office for his own private gain, for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives, or persons with whom the employee is affiliated in a nongovernmental capacity, including nonprofit organizations of which the employee is an officer or member, and persons with whom the employee has or seeks employment or business relations.

“I’m sure Chancellor Squirrelhead will just go batshit crazy on judge or judges who dare to go after The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway on this issue,” said a legal analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “There’s so much conflict-of-interest in this White House that you could pretty much impeach every person affiliated with the West Wing. Today.

“But that would mean Eddie Munster (R-WI) and Turtlehead (R-KY) would have to stop being submissive to Chancellor Squirrelhead, and I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

“And let’s be honest. Breaking the law by hocking crappy merchandise by the stepdaughter of an illegal immigrant is child’s play compared to the serious issues of the day – such as the Bowling Green Massacre and the Atlanta Massacre.”

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