Trump to Journalist: Plant Your Kippah-Wearing Keister

Jake Turx

Jake Turx

(Washington, DC — February 17, 2017) – At his press conference yesterday, Donald Trump (R-NY), went completely off the rails in claiming he is definitely, absolutely, positively not an anti-Semite.

Bad news for Chancellor Squirrelhead: If you have to go out of your way to proclaim that you’re not an anti-Semite, it means you’re an anti-Semite.

The exchange began as he took a question from Jake Turx, an Orthodox Jewish reporter from Brooklyn-based Ami Magazine. For the record, most Orthodox Jews voted for Chancellor Squirrelhead in Election 2016.

What started out as a compliment for Chancellor Squirrelhead from Turx quickly devolved into a testy exchange:

TURX: “So, first of all, my name is Jake Turx from Ami Magazine, and despite what some of my colleagues may have been reporting, I haven’t seen anybody in my community accuse either yourself or anyone on your staff of being anti-Semitic. We understand that you have Jewish grandchildren. You are their zayde.”

SQUIRRELHEAD: “Thank you.”

TURX: “However, what we are concerned about and what we haven’t really heard being addressed is an uptick in anti-Semitism and how the government is planning to take care of it. There’s been a report out that 48 bomb threats have been made against Jewish centers all across the country in the last couple of weeks. There are people committing anti-Semitic acts or threatening to —”

SQUIRRELHEAD: “You see, he said he was going to ask a very simple, easy question … and it’s not. It’s not … not a simple question, not a fair question. OK, sit down. I understand the rest of your question.”

SQUIRRELHEAD: “So here’s the story, folks. Number one: I am the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Number two: Racism, the least racist person. In fact, we did very well relative to other people running as a Republican —”

TURX: [tries to interject]

SQUIRRELHEAD: “Quiet, quiet, quiet! See, he lied about … he was going to get up and ask a very straight, simple question, so, welcome to the world of the media.”

SQUIRRELHEAD: “Let me just tell you something, that, um, I hate the charge. I find it repulsive. I hate even the question …”

Marge Schott

Marge Schott

“I remember [former Cincinnati Reds owner] Marge Schott making her Hitler comment [in 1996],” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “She marveled at how he wasn’t too bad – at first. She said that Hitler ‘was good in the beginning, but went too far.’

“Well, that’s how this press conference exchange went. It started out as a compliment to Chancellor Squirrelhead – I mean, ‘zayde’ means ‘grandfather’ – but then for whatever reason he attacked Turx and, of course, went too far.”

One person who’s sure to have enjoyed the put-down? Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon, Chancellor Squirrelhead’s rabidly anti-Semitic confidant.

“My guess is that Bannon couldn’t have been more happy with his ‘boss’ telling a Jew to sit down and shut the hell up,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And on live television to boot.

Stephen Bannon

Stephen Bannon

“I’m also guessing that Bannon watched the entire exchange as it unfolded with a copy of Mein Kampf in one hand while having multiple orgasms with the other.”

The exchange with Turx came just one day after Wednesday’s press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, when a similar question regarding the uptick in anti-Semitism in America was raised. Chancellor Squirrelhead chose to answer the question by insisting he won the Electoral College vote by a tremendous margin.

And who could forget January 28, when Chancellor Squirrelhead released a statement regarding International Holocaust Remembrance Day – without mentioning the Jews?

“One can gather from these incidents that Chancellor Squirrelhead doesn’t have an anti-Semitic bone in his body,” said a well-known satirist who has published a famous political satire newsletter-turned-blog for over 18 years, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

As far as his brief comments at yesterday’s press conference on racism go, it has been definitively proven that Chancellor Squirrelhead is a racist. And that was before he used the press conference to ask African-American journalist April Ryan – solely because of her race – to act as a secretary and book him a meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus.

“The dual faux pas the White House committed earlier this month during its Black History Month event was all anyone needed to see to determine the level of racism coming out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,” said a spokesman from the National Museum of African American History and Culture, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That, plus saying that all blacks are living in Hell, should tell you something – if you’re sane.”