Swedish Massaker

(Melbourne, FL — February 19, 2017) – Donald Trump (R-NY) chose this location to prove once again that he has the IQ of a meatball.

A Swedish meatball.

Donald Trump (R-NY) at a Nuremberg Rally in Melbourne (FL)

Donald Trump (R-NY) at a Nuremberg Rally in Melbourne (FL)

Yesterday’s Nuremberg rally – apparently Chancellor Squirrelhead is still in “campaign mode” – brought to light yet another massacre that’s now attributable to an administration in complete disarray. And, like the massacres preceding this one, it was news to – well, just about everyone:

“You look at what’s happening in Germany. You look at what’s happening last night in Sweden – Sweden – who would believe this? Sweden, they took in large numbers, they are having problems like they never thought possible. You look at what’s happening Brussels, you look at what’s happening all over the world.”

According to White House officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, there was a brief discussion on involving NATO in responding to the attack, but the talks ended abruptly when the officials remembered that Chancellor Squirrelhead hates NATO’s stinking guts.

Thankfully for Sweden, they experienced no terrorist attack attributable to “radical Islamic terrorism” on the night of February 17, 2017.

Thom Tillis (R-NC) "Real Men Don't Wash Their Hands After Defecating!"

Thom Tillis (R-NC)
“Real Men Don’t
Wash Their Hands
After Defecating!”

“There was an E. coli outbreak at Ben’s Yumpin’ Yiminy Meatball Bowl,” said a spokesman for the Swedish government, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That’s about the extent of terror here in Sweden on a Friday night.”

Ironically, the E. coli outbreak was directly attributable to the United States, as employees at Ben’s Yumpin’ Yiminy Meatball Bowl decided to take the two-year-old advice of Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC), who declared restaurant employees shouldn’t be required to wash their hands after using the bathroom.

Facing a barrage of wholesale lies and deceit, the Swedish embassy in Washington asked the State Department to clarify the cockamamie claims made by Chancellor Squirrelhead.

“Their request went unanswered,” said an official knowledgeable of the State Department, speaking on condition of anonymity, “because Chancellor Squirrelhead fired everyone.”

Commemorative Plaque for the Bowling Green Massacre from the National Park Service (NPS)“You have to wonder for just how much longer the lies can continue,” said a political scientist familiar with Swedish culture, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Attacking Sweden may be Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Waterloo. He didn’t even give a Ring Ring to the Swedish government before spewing these falsehoods.

“I guess when you’re dealing with Chancellor Squirrelhead, the Name of the Game is Money Money Money and Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! And this just goes On and On and On. He’s a real Super Trouper. Mama Mia! Time to send out an SOS.”

There may have been no official reaction from Chancellor Squirrelhead’s minions, but there was plenty of reaction on social media to the Swedish Massaker.

On Twitter, the hashtag #LastNightInSweden Twitter was trending heavily. And even Chelsea Clinton couldn’t help but weigh in:

Chelsea Clinton: "What happened in Sweden Friday night? Did they catch the Bowling Green Massacre perpetrators?"

Indeed, the Swedish Massaker has now become another piece of Chancellor Squirrelhead lore, joining the list of such horrific events as the Bowling Green Massacre, the Atlanta Massacre, and the Slaughter at Fraggle Rock.

Swedish Chef

Swedish Chef

Perhaps the most-surprising reaction came from Sweden’s most famous citizen, the Swedish Chef. This may be the first time he has addressed any issue not related to cooking:

“It is uneccepteble-a fur unyune-a tu slunder zee guud neme-a ooff Svedee. Ve-a hefee’t dune-a unytheeng tu unyune-a, boot fur unknoon reesuns Chuncellur Sqoourrelheed deceeded tu dreg oooor pruood cuoontry intu hees veb ooff leees, deceeet, und felsehuuds. Bork Bork Bork!

“Ve-a vun’t seet by und elloo oooorselfes tu be-a insoolted und used es a tuul by sumeune-a vhu duesn’t knoo zee deefffference-a betveee zee troot und hees pethulugeecel lyeeng. Oooor ilected ooffffeeciels hefe-a tu stund by thuse-a vhu knoo vhet’s reeght und ooppuse-a thees foox leeder et ifery toorn. Bork Bork Bork!

“Boot vhet he-a’s dune-a is nu soorpreese-a tu unyune-a. Vhet du yuoo ixpect frum un edoolteruoos, untee-Eseeun, untee-Cethuleec, untee-deesebled, untee-Heespunic, untee-immeegrunt, untee-Moosleem, untee-oobeseety, untee-Semeetic, untee-feterun, humuphubeec, Islemuphubeec, hypucreeticel, meesugynistic, nerceessistic, perunueed, pethulugeecelly lyeeng, pru-Klun, psychupetheec, receest, scheezuphrenic, smell-membered, suceeupethic, treesunuoos, xenuphubeec boolly? Bork Bork Bork!

“Duneld Troomp is a foockeeng esshule-a. Duneld Troomp cun gu foock heemselff. Bork Bork Bork!”