(Washington, DC — February 20, 2017) – Donald Trump (R-NY) today marked one month of being the Leader of the Free World.
That’s no more comforting than it was a month ago.
For sane Americans, it seems like years ago that Squirrelhead Donald became Chancellor Squirrelhead, the first illegitimate President of the United States.
“It’s hard to believe the events of the past month,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “From an unconstitutional Muslim ban to continuing to insist upon a win in the popular vote from Election 2016, from leaving out the Jews on International Holocaust Remembrance Day to firing Acting Attorney General Sally Yates, from insulting African-Americans during Black History Month to the fiascos of Michael Flynn and Betsy DeVos, it’s been an insane ride.
“And that doesn’t include Chancellor Squirrelhead’s presiding over four terrorist massacres: The Bowling Green Massacre, the Atlanta Massacre, the Slaughter at Fraggle Rock, and the Swedish Massaker.”
One common theme of the past month: Unfulfilled promises. As a candidate, Chancellor Squirrelhead made all sorts of promises to his supporters, many of which were supposed to occur on “Day One” of his presidency. One month later, the promises remain largely conceptual instead of concrete.
“There’s a whole litany of things he wanted to do,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Instead of forging ahead, he’s produced scandal after scandal while harping on the untruths of the past. So he hasn’t gotten very far.
“Now, had he promised to destroy the country in one month’s time, he’d be a winner. But that wasn’t on the list, so he’s a LOSER.
“Chancellor Squirrelhead proclaimed that African-Americans are living in Hell. Now, I think it’s safe to say that we all are.”
Some failures from the First Month of Hell:
- Build a Wall with Mexico and Make Mexico Pay for It
- Full funding for the “Great Wall of Trump” has yet to be approved, but some money has been provided by Congress. This means that the American taxpayer, not Mexico, will be paying.
- Gas Prices
- Chancellor Squirrelhead promised to cap gas prices at $1.00/gallon. The average price today? $2.31/gallon.
- Hillary Clinton’s E-mails
- Promising during his campaign to appoint a special prosecutor to look into Clinton’s E-mails, Chancellor Squirrelhead announced on November 22, 2016, that he would drop the issue.
- Hiring Freeze for Federal Government Employees
- The hiring freeze is in effect, but it’s not a 100% hiring freeze, as there are exceptions for the military and many civilian agencies. Moreover, USAJobs , the Web site dedicated to hiring Federal employees, is still up and running.
- Obamacare Repeal
- The Affordable Care Act (ACA) – aka Obamacare – was supposed to be repealed on Day One. For those who can’t count, this is Day 32. And the ACA is still the law of the land.
- On June 23, 2015, Chancellor Squirrelhead said, “I would not be a president who took vacations. I would not be a president that takes time off.” He has so far spent three weekends in Florida; these vacations have cost the American taxpayer over $10,000,000. For the record, President Obama (D-IL) cost the American taxpayer about $12,000,000 per year for his vacations.