War on the Press Waged by the Fourth Reich

Sean Spicer in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Sean Spicer in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

(Washington, DC — February 25, 2017) – Donald Trump (R-NY) barred several news outlets from attending an informal press briefing yesterday, taking yet another step towards controlling the nation’s news resources and further eroding the First Amendment.

The list of attendees for the non-televised “gaggle” of reporters was closely controlled by Press Secretary of the Week Sean Spicer. The incompetent, bumbling Spicer has been hammered relentlessly for his poor job performance by both the press and comedic venues, such as Saturday Night Live.

“I’m sure Spicer has had enough,” said a journalist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But banning reputable press outlets won’t stop the criticism. In fact, in the eyes of sane Americans he’ll be looked upon as being smaller than Chancellor Squirrelhead’s hands.”

The latest list of approved vs. unapproved news outlets is as follows:

Banned News Sources Approved News Sources
  • BuzzFeed
  • CNN
  • The Los Angeles Times
  • The New York Times
  • Politico
  • ABC
  • The Associated Press
  • Bloomberg News
  • Breitbart News
  • CBS
  • Fox News
  • The National Inquirer
  • NBC
  • Pravda
  • Time
  • The Wall Street Journal
  • The Washington Times
  • Völkischer Beobachter

The Washington Post did not have a reporter present. Time and the Associated Press boycotted the gaggle due to the banned news outlets.

Ironically, it was just this week that the Washington Post changed its masthead; the phrase “Democracy Dies in Darkness” now appears below its iconic name:

Meanwhile, Chancellor Squirrelhead’s latest round of mistreatment of the “dishonest media” was the talk of the town in Washington – and beyond.

“It’s a strange mix,” said a media insider, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The banned outlets are obviously the most-critical of Chancellor Squirrelhead. But many of the ‘approved’ outlets haven’t been too kind, either.

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump

“CBS was approved, but Dan Rather has issued attack after attack against the Fourth Reich. Then again, Dan Rather is a poor man’s Walter Cronkite, so Chancellor Squirrelhead probably doesn’t take him very seriously.”

Chancellor Squirrelhead’s latest ire appears to be the flood of leaks coming from the Federal agencies under his control. However, some feel he is likely most upset over the media’s coverage of incidents such as the Bowling Green Massacre, the Atlanta Massacre, the Slaughter at Fraggle Rock, and the Swedish Massaker.