In the Oval Office, Sofa So Good

(Washington, DC — March 2, 2017) – An advisor to Donald Trump (R-NY) found a new way to demean, degrade, and dehumanize the Office of the President of the United States.

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway

Given everything that’s taken place since January 20, that’s saying something.

On February 27, Chancellor Squirrelhead hosted the leaders from the country’s Historically Black Colleges and Universities, or HBCUs, in the Oval Office. The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway – who at one point referred to the HBCUs as “HCBUs” – decided to become the official White House photographer and attempted to capture the moment. Unfortunately, she made herself at home, kneeling on an Oval office couch “to chronicle this significant event” and get the proper shot.

Critics immediately pounced in response to Couchgate.

“It showed a lack of respect for the Oval Office,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It showed a lack of respect for the HBCU leaders. And it showed a lack of respect for the President of the United States.

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway:"Say Cheese!"

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway: “Say Cheese!”

“Of course, the current President of the United States deserves no respect.”

Why she wasn’t stopped by Chancellor Squirrelhead remains a mystery.

“Chancellor Squirrelhead is probably used to seeing The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway on her knees in the Oval Office,” said a political historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, it wouldn’t be the first time someone struck that pose in that room. Just ask Monica Lewinsky.”

Others have offered a more plausible excuse, citing Chancellor Squirrelhead’s shifty temperament at the gathering.

“Chancellor Squirrelhead was probably too nervous to pay attention to what The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway was doing,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, he doesn’t spend a lot of time around black people because he’s said they’re all living in Hell.”

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump (R-NY)

While many think that The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway is simply a clueless shrew, others point to possible medical issues for the disrespectful behavior.

“Maybe she’s suffering from severe malnutrition,” said a health care professional, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We know that severe malnutrition can lead to brain damage and behavioral issues.

“On second thought, with regard to The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway, there’s no ‘maybe’ about it.”

The White House has taken measures to prevent a repeat of the horrid events.

Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer

“We’ve sprayed down the Oval Office couches with Bitter Apple,” said a spokesman for Press Secretary of the Week Sean Spicer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We were going to provide the Oval Office with a stun gun, but thought better of it when we realized she’d probably like it.”

Ironically, Couchgate wasn’t the worst part of the White House’s interaction with the HBCUs. That distinction goes to controversial Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who issued a racially-insensitive statement PDF document following her meeting with the HCBU leaders:

“[HBCUs] started from the fact that there were too many students in America who did not have equal access to education. They saw that the system wasn’t working, that there was an absence of opportunity, so they took it upon themselves to provide the solution.
“HBCUs are real pioneers when it comes to school choice. They are living proof that when more options are provided to students, they are afforded greater access and greater quality. Their success has shown that more options help students flourish.”
Betsy DeVos in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Betsy DeVos in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

“This is just another demonstration of how DeVos should not be the Secretary of Education,” said an education specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Many people don’t know history, but if the Secretary of Education doesn’t know about the history of education in this country, then what the hell are they doing in such a position of authority?”

DeVos was only confirmed as Secretary of Education because Mike Pence (R-IN) had to break a 50-50 tie in the Senate, marking the first time in American history that a tie-breaking vote was needed for a Cabinet-level confirmation. Why so close a vote? Probably because of insane statements such as these:

“I think probably there, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies.”

In spite of her demonstrated cluelessness on all things education, DeVos’ essentially buying her cabinet post didn’t hurt her chances, either.

“We all know that Chancellor Squirrelhead thinks black people are currently living in Hell,” continued the education specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Maybe he and DeVos should take a course on the history of African-American education in America. Of course, the curriculum would have to be presented via coloring books.”

Betsy DeVos

Betsy DeVos

HBCUs filled the “absence of opportunity” in the education arena because of the unequal treatment of blacks in America. Plessy v. Ferguson, the infamous 1896 Supreme Court decision, provided for the “separate but equal” standard in public education.

Rarely equal, but absolutely separate thanks in large to the South’s Jim Crow laws, the ruling stood until 1954, when the Supreme Court’s Brown v. Board of Education decision ruled that “separate but equal” was unconstitutional; however, many HBCUs remained segregated until the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

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