I Spy … A Paranoid Orange Menace

Donald Trump (R-NY): "Lying Sack of Shit"

Donald Trump

(Washington, DC — March 5, 2017) – Your illegitimate presidential administration is barely six weeks old. You find your handpicked staff producing scandal after scandal after scandal. What’s the best thing to do?

Invent a new, totally fictitious scandal!

Wiretappgate seems to be the latest installment of the Donald Trump (R-NY) Show, as Chancellor Squirrelhead let his Twitter account work overtime on Saturday in accusing his predecessor – without a shred of evidence – of spying on him by wiretapping New York City’s Trump Tower.

This is just the latest false charge – or observation – leveled by Chancellor Squirrelhead over Election 2016. While he won the Electoral College vote, he did not win it by “the biggest electoral college win since Ronald Reagan” as he has repeatedly claimed since November 8, 2016. His 304 Electoral College votes are far less than Barack Obama’s (D-IL) 332 in 2012; or Obama’s 365 in 2008; or George H. W. Bush’s (R-TX) 426 in 1988.

“Every time Chancellor Squirrelhead levels another false charge about Election 2016, it makes him look smaller,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It makes him look smaller than his tiny hands. And it makes him a loser. And that’s what he can’t stand being: A loser. But that’s what he is, because he lost the popular vote in Election 2016 by 3,000,000 votes. And like any small-membered schmuck, he’s been trying to compensate for his anatomical inadequacies by saying his Electoral College win was ‘YUUUGE!!!’ – but it wasn’t.

Donald Trump (R-NY) and Barack Obama (D-IL)

Donald Trump (R-NY) and
Barack Obama (D-IL)

“Trump. Loser. Enough said.”

This is not to say that the history of the Obama-Trump relationship had been smooth sailing before the latest Twitter freak-out. As father of the Birthers, it took Chancellor Squirrelhead over five years to finally admit that Obama is neither a Muslim nor a Kenyan, but instead is a legitimate American citizen who was born in America.

“And I’m sure Chancellor Squirrelhead would have reversed that decision 180° if there hadn’t been a ‘no backsies’ clause invoked at the time,” said a presidential historian, speaking on condition of anonymity.

And Chancellor Squirrelhead isn’t the only one blaming everything on Obama. In December, the Trump Transition Team of Terror (TTTT) blamed Obama for Pearl Harbor, even though the attack took place on December 7, 1941, and Obama was born in 1961.

“It’s funny how Obama is now a ‘Bad (or sick) guy!’ but just six weeks ago was one of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s BFFs,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He was saying how gracious and helpful the Obamas has been with the transition, and let’s not forget that it was the Obamas that rescued Melania [Trump] at the White House on Inauguration Day when Chancellor Squirrelhead had to get out about 20 paces in front of her from the limousine.

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

“It’s even funnier that someone who’s committed treason – and I mean the complete ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ kind of treason – with Russia would be accusing an American citizen of treason. Maybe Chancellor Squirrelhead should go back to Russia and ask them about their wiretaps of American buildings?

“But it’s funniest that these accusations would come from an adulterous, anti-Asian, anti-Catholic, anti-disabled, anti-Hispanic, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-obesity, anti-Semitic, anti-veteran, homophobic, Islamophobic, hypocritical, misogynistic, narcissistic, paranoid, pathologically lying, pro-Klan, psychopathic, racist, schizophrenic, small-membered, sociopathic, treasonous, xenophobic bully. Doesn’t he already have enough problems without inventing more?”