(Washington, DC — March 7, 2017) – The Web of Donald Trump’s (R-NY) lies and deceit grows exponentially day-by-day, but it’s unusual that he would break more than one campaign promise in one day.
This is that day.
Throughout his presidential campaign, Chancellor Squirrelhead promised his legions of Trumpist Brownshirts that he would build a wall along America’s border with Mexico – and make Mexico to pay for its construction.
“Mexico was never going to pay for this insane public works project,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After you call an entire people a bunch of ‘rapists’ and ‘murderers’ – and worse – do you really expect their cooperation?
“You even had [former Mexican President Vicente] Fox basically tell Chancellor Squirrelhead to drop dead. And this Mexican attitude has not changed.”
Indeed, on February 25, 2016, Fox replied to Chancellor Squirrelhead’s demand about funding the border wall:
- “I’m not going to pay for that fucking wall! He should pay for it. He’s got the money.”
Realizing that Mexico would not be a source of funding for the Great Wall of Trump, Congress started working on an alternate funding plan on January 6, using the Secure Fence Act of 2006 as a starting point.
“Being unable to get Mexico to pay for the wall was a broken campaign promise ,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The promise was further broken today because Chancellor Squirrelhead announced another source of revenue – which in itself will break another campaign promise .”
Chancellor Squirrelhead has repeatedly promised to “rebuild” the country’s military. Just days ago, he proposed adding $54,000,000,000 in military spending, paying for it by reducing funding for domestic programs by $54,000,000,000. But he announced today that he will pay for the wall – remember, having America pay for the wall is a broken campaign promise – by cutting the funding for the Coast Guard, which just so happens to be a branch of the military.
“The Coast Guard’s budget will face a 14% reduction, from $9,100,000,000 to $7,800,000,000,” said a military expert, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Gutting the military instead of ‘rebuilding’ it is yet another broken campaign promise .
“Two broken campaign promises in one day. This is tremendous! This is YUUUGE!!!, OK?”
In addition to the Coast Guard’s budget hit, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) will see its budget cut by 11%, having only $3,600,000,000 to deal with recovery from natural disasters such as hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, hail, volcanoes, locusts, frogs, flies, and lice.
“Gutting FEMA is the biggest mistake since Shrub (R-TX) put Michael Brown in charge of the agency,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He was there ‘doin’ a heck of a job’ during Hurricane Katrina in 2005. We all know how well that turned out.”
The reduced funds for the Coast Guard and FEMA will help boost funding for other government programs, such as the “maybe-it’s-real-and-maybe-it-isn’t” Deportation Force, or D-Force, rumored to be tasked both with racial profiling and throwing 11,000,000 people out of the country, as well as the new Victims Of Immigration Crime Engagement (VOICE) office.