Tremendouscare a Tremendous Problem for Republicans

Eddie Munster (R-WI) and Family

Eddie Munster
(R-WI)

(Washington, DC — March 8, 2017) – Less than 48 hours after releasing the American Health Care Act, the legislation meant to “repeal and replace” Obamacare is on life-support.

And its prognosis is bleak.

On March 6, Congressional Republicans cheerfully released Tremendouscare – named for one of Donald Trump’s (R-NY) trademark sayings – to the public, clearly hoping for hysterical adulation for delivering legislation to undo the seven-year scourge of Obamacare (aka Public Law 111-148 aka the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act aka the Affordable Care Act).

“They got hysteria, that’s for sure,” said a health insurance specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Everyone is hysterical because everyone hates the legislation. You would think Democrats would hate it the most, but they don’t. It’s the Republicans. They’re even going after [Speaker of the House] Eddie Munster (R-WI) by giving the derogatory name ‘Ryancare’ to the legislation.”

Democrats hate the legislation because it repeals Obamacare, which has provided health insurance to 20,000,000 Americans who did not have it before. One Republican faction hates it because it could cause some Americans to lose their health insurance. Another Republican faction hates it because it isn’t a true repeal of Obamacare; a number of Obamacare provisions, such as forbidding denial of coverage based upon pre-existing conditions, are carried over in Tremendouscare.

“There’s a lot of hate,” said a Congressional staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I haven’t seen anything this awful since that Ronald Reagan film!”

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump
(R-NY)

The draft legislation was initially released in the form of two bills, one from the House Energy and Commerce Committee and the other from the House Ways and Means Committee . Congress today released an additional, ridiculously-named bill – HR 115-1275: World’s Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017 – meant to eliminate the individual mandate for carrying health insurance.

“Eliminating the individual mandate will be sold by the GOP as a tax break for average, everyday Americans,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The problem is that the tax fell upon the most-wealthy Americans, so in essence this is a tax break for the super-rich. A $600,000,000,000 tax break for the super-rich.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

“What’s worse is that the legislation forbids Medicaid expansion,” said a health care industry official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So you’ll be denying coverage to the country’s most-vulnerable citizens. And that goes against Chancellor Squirrelhead’s campaign promise.

“Another campaign promise FAIL . What else is new?”

Indeed, Chancellor Squirrelhead promised to insure “everyone” and do it for less money than they’re currently paying. Obamacare provided health insurance to about 20,000,000 individuals, some for the first time in their lives. It now seems that the predictions of the 20,000,000 Americans losing their health insurance with the implementation of Tremendouscare are all too real.

Turtlehead (R-KY)

Turtlehead
(R-KY)

“This legislation shows one thing: Republicans don’t care about poor people,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I don’t know if it’s because they’re all a bunch of racist reptiles like Senate Majority Leader Turtlehead (R-KY). I don’t know if it’s because they’re a bunch of sadists who want to provide unnecessary tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans at the expense of the most-vulnerable Americans. And I don’t know if it’s because they’re completely clueless.

“Whatever the reason, I hope they can live with themselves. I hear the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell is making room for about 350 additional beds.”

An example of pure cluelessness is Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) and his unfortunate remark about the poor and cell phones:

“Americans have choices, and they’ve got to make a choice. So rather than getting that new iPhone that they just love and want to go spend hundreds of dollars on that, maybe they should invest in their own health care.”

The Inbred Cheshire Cat likely doesn’t understand that a cell phone isn’t a luxury item in 2017; it’s a necessity. For many of the country’s poorest citizens, it’s their only way to make phone calls and access the Internet, as most don’t have cable modems or Wi-Fi in their homes.

Inbred Cheshire Cat (R-UT)

Inbred Cheshire Cat
(R-UT)

“It just shows how out-of-touch Republicans are when it comes to the plight of those who aren’t fortunate enough to be millionaires or billionaires,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The most-expensive iPhone – the 256GB iPhone 7 Plus – costs $969. An individual spends on average $5,277 on health insurance – or five iPhones. It gets better for families. They spend on average $18,142 on health insurance. That’s 19 iPhones. Who in the hell goes out and buys 19 iPhones?

“Maybe we should follow the Inbred Cheshire Cat’s lead and just eat the poor and decrease the surplus population?”

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