For DC, Stella Leaves Much to be Desired

Winter Storm Stella: March 13 – 15, 2017

Winter Storm Stella:
March 13 – 15, 2017
photo courtesy of
Sick Bird Photography

(Washington, DC — March 14, 2017) – As Winter Storm Stella continued to bear down upon the Northeast, the dire predictions issued for DC-area towns, cities, and counties appeared to be just that – predictions.

Just 24 hours ago, local news outlets were predicting snow from the nor’easter totaling as much as 14″. But as the day wore on, the snowfall totals diminished – and then diminished again.

“While some in the DC-area may get upwards of 8″ before all is said and done, a significant amount of the population will see only a few inches,” said a local meteorologist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But that’s the beauty of our profession. No matter how much panic we cause, and no matter how wrong we are with snowfall predictions, we still get paid! And the companies that sell bread, milk, and toilet paper are most grateful.”

In fact, the storm’s sleet and freezing rain will be more of an issue than the snow for most of the DC-area.

Tenacious Topper Shutt

Topper Shutt

WUSA-9’s Tenacious Topper Shutt is one of the area’s “celebrities” whose predictions for a foot of snow have fallen woefully short for much of the DC-area. And this isn’t the first time he’s been so far off the mark.

“In January 2015, Tenacious Topper predicted 12″ of snow from Winter Storm Juno,” said a critic of the DC-area’s poor local news coverage, speaking on condition of anonymity. “DC got 3”. And one month later, Tenacious Topper promised his viewers that Winter Storm Pandora would produce 1″-3″ of snow. We wound up with 8″-10″.

“Can someone please tell me how this guy still has a job? And if WUSA-9 decides to keep him employed, can they at least get Tenacious Topper Shutt to shut the hell up?”

But blame for utter stupidity isn’t limited to meteorologists. The aforementioned members of the DC-area’s poor local news coverage share in that blame and shame.

“You have to wonder what goes through the minds of the ‘managers’ at these television stations,” said the critic of the DC-area’s poor local news coverage, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They make these poor reporters stand out on street corners, freezing their asses off as they interview the snow, just to prove that there’s precipitation on the ground. But viewers could learn this for themselves by looking out their own windows!

Andrea Roane

Andrea Roane

“And in addition to blocking the crews who are trying to clean up from the storm, all in the name of a ‘scoop’ for the local newscasts, the anchors who are warm, dry, and comfortable in their studios then ask residents to venture outside and risk killing themselves in order to send in photos of their local snowscapes. That’s excellent advice – if you’re so insane, you’re sane.

“WUSA-9’s Andrea Roane is one of these ‘professional’ anchors suggesting this dangerous activity to viewers. Then again, this is the same Andrea Roane who invented the ‘Terrible Traffic Tuesday’ holiday on September 8, 2015, so there’s definitely a question of judgment here.


And finally, a storm wouldn’t be a storm if the Capital Weather Gang (CWG) didn’t assign a ridiculous name to it. So let us introduce “Snowpy New Year 2017” to you.

Capital Weather Gang (CWG): The inaccurate scoop on weather in the DC area and beyond“These ‘Snowpy New Year’ storms usually take place in early January,” said a weather expert, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But this winter has been so weird that this is the first – and probably only – storm for the 2016-2017 season.

“Just because the storm is late doesn’t mean you can’t assign it a stupid name. And that’s what’s happened in this case.”