The Only Thing We Have to Fear is … Our Toasters?

(Washington, DC — March 14, 2017) – The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway opened another chapter in Wiretappgate on Sunday, offering a new theory about the scandal during an interview with the Bergen Record.

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway Conducts Surveillance Through Appliances

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway Conducts Surveillance Through Appliances

And it’s doubtful that the Orange Menace could have come up with this one on his own – though it’s not impossible.

On March 12, The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway expanded on Donald Trump’s (R-NY) 100% unfounded assertion that President Obama (D-IL) ordered the wiretapping of Trump Tower:

“What I can say is there are many ways to surveil each other now, unfortunately. There was an article that week that talked about how you can surveil people through their phones, through their – certainly through their television sets, any number of different ways. And microwaves that turn into cameras, et cetera. We know that is just a fact of modern life.”

And just like Chancellor Squirrelhead’s assertions about Obama, The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway offered not one shred of evidence that our televisions are watching us.

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Donald Trump (R-NY) in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

“We knew that Chancellor Squirrelhead was paranoid,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we didn’t know that The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway was certifiably insane – until now. And I don’t think it’s fair to blame your toaster, refrigerator, microwave oven, or trash compactor when things don’t go your way.

“Personally, I think that if they’d both shove their heads into an operating garbage disposal, we’d all be better off.”

Indeed, The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway yesterday started to walk back her ludicrous assertions:

“I’m not Inspector Gadget. I don’t believe people are using their microwave to spy on the Trump Campaign. However, I am not in the job of having evidence. That’s what investigations are for.”
The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway

“Actually, when you work at the White House, you are absolutely in the job of having evidence,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And if you’re going to allege subterfuge, you’d sure as hell be able to back it up with facts – especially when you’re blaming a President of the United States.”

The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway’s walking back of the anti-Obama allegations were “aided” – using air-quotes – by Press Secretary of the Week Sean Spicer, saying Monday that Chancellor Squirrelhead didn’t mean literally that the wiretapping had taken place.

Critics were wisely not buying Spicer’s air-quoted explanation.

“Chancellor Squirrelhead invoked McCarthyism when blaming Obama,” said a political analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He threated to sue Obama. He called Obama a ‘bad’ and ‘sick’ person. And now we learn that Chancellor Squirrelhead didn’t mean it? Seriously?

“Spicer obviously thinks we’re as stupid as he is. But no one outside of the current White House staff, including Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Cabinet secretaries, is that stupid.”

As a friendly reminder, here are Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Wiretappgate tweets:

And the main problem with trying to walk back Chancellor Squirrelhead’s tweets? He keeps using Twitter, fueling the fire and working against you:

Bad hombre and dude Obama used a toaster to spy on me. Sad! How do I know this beautiful information? Because no one uses a toaster anymore. Everyone has a toaster oven. Black & Decker is the best toaster oven, a tremendous toaster oven, believe me! OK? OK? OK?

Your Toaster Oven is Watching You!

Your Toaster Oven is Watching You!

“It’s like there’s a fire, and you’ve got the fire extinguisher to put it out,” said a psychiatrist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But just as you’re using the fire extinguisher, Chancellor Squirrelhead shoots the canister, rendering it inoperative. And the fire consumes everything. That’s what The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer are facing.

“And the fact that they soldier on in this atmosphere proves one thing: They’re as insane as Chancellor Squirrelhead is.”