Squirrelhead Blows Up Syria

Bashar al-Assad in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Bashar al-Assad in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

(Washington, DC — April 7, 2017) – Facing a horrific attack by the Syrian government on its own citizens using banned chemical weapons, Donald Trump (R-NY) yesterday sent 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles into the war-torn country, deepening America’s involvement in Syria’s six-year-old civil war while practicing a level of hyperhypocrisy not previously seen in human history.

Syrian President Bashar “Droopy Dog” al-Assad has been systematically slaughtering his own citizens since 2011; at least 400,000 have died. In 2013, President Obama (D-IL) said that Droopy Dog’s use of chemical weapons would be a “red line” that would deepen America’s involvement. But instead of taking action when the “red line” was crossed, Obama made an agreement with Russia to guarantee the removal of all chemical weapons from Syria.

That guarantee, like Russian President Vladimir Putin, has turned out to be worthless.

Droopy Dog

Droopy Dog

“The Syrian government continued to use chlorine on its own people,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Russia’s Putin and Iran’s government stood by and approved of atrocity after atrocity. This behavior culminated in the use of Sarin nerve gas on Tuesday. You can debate whether or not America should have gotten more involved in 2013, but our lack of involvement is what led up to the April 4 attack.”

Indeed, Obama was reluctant – and rightfully so – to involve America in another war in the Middle East, especially with our continued involvement in Iraq, which was precipitated by Shrub (R-TX) invading a sovereign nation on false pretenses.

“The tens of thousands of wounded, coupled with the 4,400 dead, should weigh heavily on any POTUS,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Unfortunately, Chancellor Squirrelhead only knows what he sees on Fox News. If Bill O’Reilly reported that Shop Rite was evil in some way, Chancellor Squirrelhead would order its stores to be bombed, its customers to be jailed, its employees to be killed.


Barack Obama (D-IL)

Barack Obama

Obama’s caution was reflected in Chancellor Squirrelhead’s initial statements, which squarely blamed Obama for the attack:

“Today’s chemical attack in Syria against innocent people, including women and children, is reprehensible and cannot be ignored by the civilized world. These heinous actions by the Bashar al-Assad regime are a consequence of the past administration’s weakness and irresolution.
“President Obama said in 2012 that he would establish a ‘red line’ against the use of chemical weapons and then did nothing,” he added. “The United States stands with our allies across the globe to condemn this intolerable attack.”

And yet, in 2013, as a citizen, Chancellor Squirrelhead threatened a sitting POTUS via Twitter for even contemplating action in Syria:

“The only reason President Obama wants to attack Syria is to save face over his very dumb RED LINE statement. Do NOT attack Syria, fix U.S.A.” — September 5, 2013
“President Obama, do not attack Syria. There is no upside and tremendous downside. Save your ‘powder’ for another (and more important) day!” — September 7, 2013
Rex Tillerson and Vladimir Putin

Rex Tillerson and
Vladimir Putin

“The level of hyperhypocrisy is historic in its scale and venom,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And just days before this attack, on March 30, [Secretary of State] Rexxon said America would be OK with Droopy Dog staying in power. Does any sane person seriously think this comment wasn’t a green light for the Sarin attack?

“On March 24, 1989, Exxon killed Alaska. On March 30, 2017, Rexxon killed Syria.

“So guess who’s guilty? Guess who’s the LOSER? That’s right: Chancellor Squirrelhead.”

Struggling through his fifth-grade grammar skills, Chancellor Squirrelhead did seem shaken by the brutality of Droopy Dog’s attack:

“It crossed a lot of lines for me. When you kill innocent children, innocent babies – babies, little babies – with a chemical gas that is so lethal – that crosses many, many lines, beyond a red line.”
Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump

“First, is Chancellor Squirrelhead saying that there are babies that aren’t little?” asked a lingual specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And, if that’s true, it is only a shame that the little ones were harmed? Does Chancellor Squirrelhead think the larger babies were expendable?

“Second, he talks about multiple lines besides ‘red’ ones. What kind of line exactly do you cross after a ‘red’ one? What colors is Chancellor Squirrelhead seeing? Are these lines different shapes? What is he seeing?

“Chancellor Squirrelhead continues to provide examples of his insanity. And that’s bad for him, but it’s worse for America.”