Turtlehead Blows Up Congress

(Washington, DC — April 7, 2017) – Facing an unbreakable filibuster on Donald Trump’s (R-NY) choice for the next Supreme Court Justice, Senate Republicans yesterday chose to implement the “Nuclear Option” to ram through the nominee.

Mitch McConnell (R-KY): Turtlehead Celebrates Shredding the Constitution

Turtlehead Celebrates Shredding the Constitution

The Senate is dead. Long live the Senate.

The seat on the SCOTUS has been vacant since February 13, 2016, when 79-year-old Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead at the Cibolo Creek Ranch resort in Marfa, TX. Upon his death, he immediately departed for the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell.

Democrats were understandably incensed at the prospect of installing Neil Gorsuch to the SCOTUS – mainly because President Obama’s (D-IL) choice for the SCOTUS, Merrick Garland, was never even given consideration. Led by Turtlehead, the 54 Republican Senators at the time stymied Garland, insisting Obama had no Constitutional authority to appoint anyone to the SCOTUS during his final year in office.

Mitch "Turtlehead" McConnell (R-KY), Neil Gorsuch, and a Fellow Turtlehead Reptile

Mitch “Turtlehead” McConnell (R-KY), Neil Gorsuch, and a Fellow Turtlehead Reptile

In reality, the Constitution says nothing about such a restriction, and many feel that Garland’s treatment makes Gorsuch – or any other nominee – a potential illegitimate SCOTUS Justice.

“The Constitution does, however, provide for the Senate to advise and consent on SCOTUS nominees,” said a Constitutional scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So what Turtlehead and his minions did is nothing short of treason, and that’s why the #ImpeachThe54 movement really took off.

The Senate filibuster required 60 votes to advance Gorsuch for consideration by the entire Senate. Unable to reach 60 votes, Turtlehead then led the charge to change the rules so only 50 votes would be necessary. With 52 seats in the Senate, Republicans can now ram through any partisan SCOTUS choice they choose.

“This is largely the fault of a Senator who’s no longer a Senator,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Harry “NIMBY” Reid (D-NV) instituted the “Nuclear Option” in 2013 for lower-court appointments. So Republicans do have a point. But it’s a very bad point because the Senate is no longer a deliberative body when it comes to addressing one of the other two branches of the Federal government.




Still others squarely blame Turtlehead for implementing the “Nuclear Option” with regard to the SCOTUS.

“Turtlehead knows a great deal about the effects of nuclear fallout on reptiles,” said a political historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Being a reptile himself, and being related to Gamera – a prehistoric reptile awakened by atomic testing – makes him an expert on all things nuclear. For the biggest reptile in the Senate, implementing the “Nuclear Option” was only a matter of time.”