(Washington, DC — April 11, 2017) – White House Press Secretary of the Week Sean Spicer today said that Adolf Hitler wasn’t quite as bad as Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
And he made this observation on Passover.
Old Spicey was referring to the April 4 attack by Droopy Dog on his own people; at least 80 men, women, and children were killed by the chemical agent Sarin.
Donald Trump (R-NY) responded to the attack by first blaming President Obama (D-IL) for the slaughter. Chancellor Squirrelhead followed up the ridiculous claim by launching 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles at a Syrian military base on April 6.
“Old Spicey tried to say al-Assad – which he mispronounced as ‘al-Ashad’ at one point – was more of a monster than Hitler because of the use of poison gas,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Unfortunately for Old Spicey, 6,000,000 Jews were gassed by Hitler’s Nazis.
Indeed, the Nazis gassed the Jews en masse with the Cyanide-based Zyklon-B gas.
Old Spicey started out by treating Hitler with kid gloves:
- “You had someone as despicable as Hitler who didn’t even sink to using chemical weapons. So you have to if you’re Russia, ask yourself, is [Syria] a country and a regime that you want to align yourself with?”
When attendees pointed out that the Jews had been gassed by the Nazis, and Old Spicey was given an opportunity to clarify (and apologize for) his previous comments, he instead doubled down:
- “I think when you come to Sarin gas — there was no, [Hitler] was not using the gas on his own people the same way that Assad is doing. I mean, there was clearly — there was not — in the, he brought them into the Holocaust centers, I understand that — but I’m saying in the way Assad used them, where he went into towns, dropped them down, to innocent — into the middle of towns.”
“I love the term ‘Holocaust centers’ Old Spicey chose,” said an eyewitness, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Even he had to know at that point that he was both finished as a public figure and outed as a worthless, anti-Semitic piece of shit.”
At this point, White House staffers were literally running for cover – several were nearly run over on Pennsylvania Avenue – and several organizations and individuals were referring to Old Spicey as a Holocaust-denier and calling for his resignation. Instead, the White House decided to issue an apology/clarification:
- “In no way was I trying to lessen the horrendous nature of the Holocaust, however, I was trying to draw a contrast of the tactic of using airplanes to drop chemical weapons on innocent people.”
“The apology pointed out that Holocaust victims weren’t ‘innocent people’ when they were slaughtered,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So, for those counting, that’s faux pas #3.”
The failed issue an apology/clarification led the White House to release an apology/clarification for the previously issued apology/clarification:
- “In no way was I trying to lessen the horrendous nature of the Holocaust, however, I was trying to draw a contrast of the tactic of using airplanes to drop chemical weapons on population centers.”
Old Spicey’s comments helped to reaffirm the current White House as one awash in anti-Semitism and white supremacy.
“I’m sure Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Anti-Semite-in-Chief Stephen Bannon was having multiple orgasms behind the stage as Old Spicey denied the Holocaust and its brutality,” said a political analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “In fact, it’s hard to believe that it wasn’t Bannon at the podium saying that Hitler wasn’t so bad.
Old Spicey’s gaffes follow on the White House’s omission of the Jews from its statement on Holocaust Remembrance Day in January. And in February, Chancellor Squirrelhead insulted Jake Turx, an Orthodox Jewish reporter while attempting to explain how he wasn’t an anti-Semite.
“The problem is that Chancellor Squirrelhead says his daughter [Ivanka] converted to Judaism, and his son-in-law [Jared Kushner] is an Orthodox Jew, so he can’t possibly be an anti-Semite,” said a religious studies scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But this shows that Chancellor Squirrelhead has no idea what an anti-Semite is. Just because you’re related to a Jew, or know a Jew, doesn’t mean you’re not an anti-Semite.”
The White House remained in full damage-control mode late in the day, as rumors swirled from Chancellor Squirrelhead preparing to blame Obama for Old Spicey’s comments to his ordering an attack of 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles on the most-notorious Holocaust center of all: Auschwitz.
Today’s events may help to diminish the cluelessness of another prominent Republican – John Kasich (R-OH) – who just last year attempted to explain Passover to a group of Orthodox rabbis. He schooled them on the link of Jesus Christ to Passover (there isn’t one) and discussed the bloody lampposts associated with the holiday (there aren’t any). FLATLINE rewarded Kashich for his efforts by composing a special Passover song in his honor.
Still, today’s focus of anger was squarely on Old Spicey.
“Personally, I’d like to get my hands on a case of Zyklon-B,” said a Holocaust survivor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I would ram as much as I could down that Holocaust-denier’s throat. And then I’d take the rest and shove it up his ass. But all of that is probably too good for this poor excuse for a human being.