(Washington, DC — May 18, 2017) – Former Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Director Robert Mueller III was named as a special counsel yesterday by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, tasked to investigate Russia’s collusion with Donald Trump (R-NY) and his associates, including but not limited to interference in the 2016 presidential election.
Sane Americans looked upon the development with a shred of hope that the country’s first illegitimate POTUS might be impeached for treason – soon.
Mueller, respected by both Republicans and Democrats alike, took over the FBI on September 4, 2001, just one week before 19 evildoers attacked New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania, killing 3,000 Americans.
Ironically, former FBI Director James Comey – who was fired on May 9 by Chancellor Squirrelhead because his investigation into Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Russian ties had gotten too close for comfort for the sniffling baboon – took over the agency from Mueller on September 4, 2013.
Mueller wasted no time in assembling his team. Today he hired the Kids from CAPER – the Civilian Authority for the Protection of Everybody, Regardless – to assist with the investigation.
“We know that some people will be skeptical about this choice,” said a Mueller spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They haven’t worked a case since 1976, but that means they’re about as impartial as you can get, and in today’s era of political hyperpolarization, that’s a rare commodity.
“Plus, since they haven’t done any real work in 41 years, they’re well-rested and ready to go. And I’m happy to report that, after all this time, they’re still four in a war, evermore, against crime.”
Chancellor Squirrelhead reacted to Mueller’s appointment with a respectful, measured statement – highly unusual for the psychopath currently occupying the White House:
- “A thorough investigation will confirm what we already know – there was no collusion between my campaign and any foreign entity. I look forward to this matter concluding quickly. In the meantime, I will never stop fighting for the people and the issues that matter most to the future of our country.”
The level of decorum lasted about five minutes; Chancellor Squirrelhead took to Twitter today to – once again – blame everyone but himself for his criminal, treasonous activities. He first misspelled the word “counsel” in a tweet complaining about the alleged criminal activities of Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and President Obama (D-IL):
- With all of the illegal acts that took place in the Clinton campaign & Obama Administration, there was never a special councel appointed!
About 15 minutes later, Chancellor Squirrelhead’s full-throated paranoia took over, claiming to be a victim of the most tremendous, bigly witch hunt in American political history:
These comments were more in line with yesterday’s address at the commencement ceremony for Coast Guard graduates:
- “Look at the way I’ve been treated lately – especially by the media. No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
“What a fucking hypocritical piece of shit,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This is the guy who called President Obama a Kenyan Muslim for eight years – and most of his inbred Trumpist Brownshirt followers still believe Obama’s a Kenyan Muslim.
“But I guess he’s also being treated worse than Kennedy was – you know, the president who had his head blown off in Dallas in 1963? Or Lincoln, who saw 900,000 Americans die before being shot in the head? Or Garfield and McKinley, both of who were shot?
“Yep, the worst-treated president ever. We’re talking bigly mistreatment. YUUUGE!!! mistreatment. Sad!”