(Washington, DC — May 19, 2017) – Over the past two weeks, the White House has produced at least one new scandal – or added to an existing scandal – each day.
Today was no exception.
Two days ago, Robert Mueller III, the former head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), was hired as a special prosecutor by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. His job: To investigate Russia’s collusion with Donald Trump (R-NY) and his associates, including but not limited to interference in the 2016 presidential election.
It’s doubtful that anyone thought results could be produced so quickly, but one day after being hired as assistants to Mueller, the Kids from CAPER – the Civilian Authority for the Protection of Everybody, Regardless – hit pay dirt.
“It hit them like a hurricane,” said a political insider, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Washington isn’t used to being so efficient. The CAPERs say they never lose, and right now they’re batting 1.000.”
They learned through preliminary detective work that a high-level White House advisor is a person of interest in the Russia scandal, a development that threatened to blow the roof off 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
“This development was apparently enough to force White House lawyers to start reviewing the policies and procedures for impeachment,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “You don’t review things like that unless a development is a very, very serious – and I mean bad – development.”
Several sources named Chancellor Squirrelhead’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, husband to Ivanka Trump, as the person of interest.
Predictably, there was plenty of double-talk in Washington today, as officials struggled to send out unified messages while lying through their teeth. The CAPER revelation adds on to the continuing investigation confirmed in March by recently-fired FBI Director James Comey.
When asked about the investigation, however, the Department of Justice (DOJ) spokeswoman Sarah Isgur Flores used gobbledygook to neither confirm nor deny its status:
- “I can’t confirm or deny the existence or nonexistence of investigations or targets of investigations.”
White House Spokesman of the Week Sean Spicer, speaking from behind an arborvitae near the White House’s North Portico while chowing down on Russian caviar and gulping Russian vodka, continued to deny any Russian connection to the Orange Menace:
- “As the president has stated before, a thorough investigation will confirm that there was no collusion between the campaign and any foreign entity.”
“We all know that anything Old Spicey says is a complete lie,” said a spokesman for the Failing New York Times, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So if he’s saying Chancellor Squirrelhead is blameless – well, do the math.”
“Even if this all turns out to be nothing – and it’s impossible to see how that happens – Chancellor Squirrelhead is tainted forever,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And all those Republicans who lined up behind him and supported him are also tainted forever. The Stench O’Trump will hang around their necks like an albatross, and that’s for life.
Should the FBI and other investigations reach the logical conclusion that Chancellor Squirrelhead has committed either treason, a high crime, or misdemeanor, the Constitution explicitly instructs Congress of its duty: The impeachment of the POTUS. But Congressional leaders have either continued to support Chancellor Squirrelhead or gone into hiding.
“Has anyone heard from the Senate’s rabid, racist, rancid, Republican, reptilian, repulsive, salmonella-laden redneck lately?” asked a Congressional correspondent, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Turtlehead must be ducking and covering in his shell. Eventually he’ll have to stick his neck out and arrange for a ‘repeal and replace’ of Chancellor Squirrelhead.”
And it’s not too far-fetched to consider Chancellor Squirrelhead’s crimes to be so serious that prison time would be warranted.
“We may get to see if Chancellor Squirrelhead can run the Trump Empire from prison,” said a lawyer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Whether he can or not, it looks like Chancellor Squirrelhead’s grandchildren will be able to visit both Daddy and Grandpa in prison.”