(Washington, DC — July 26, 2017) – A man who has never served one day in the United States military – and received four draft deferments during the Vietnam War while 58,000 of his fellow citizens fought and died between 1956 and 1975 – decided today to exclude a segment of America’s population from the same military service he successfully eluded.
Chancellor Squirrelhead announced today that transgender Americans would be barred from military service, angering much of America while making his tiny base of faux C-Fundies absolutely orgasmic.
“This will make Christian conservatives very happy,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Chancellor Squirrelhead’s ‘base’ of C-Fundies – and how these religious fanatics continue to willingly follow someone who’s admitted to sexually assaulting women and grabbing them by the covfefe is beyond me – have to be dancing in the streets today.
“Any chance to put down anyone who isn’t a fundamentally religious white Anglo-Saxon Protestant is just gravy for these ghouls.”
The decision will also earn Chancellor Squirrelhead high marks from his legions of Trumpist Brownshirts.
“It’s ironic that these Deplorables can’t bear the thought of gay or transgender people,” said a social scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Yet these are the same inbred hicks who marry their own underage siblings and first-cousins.”
The timing of the announcement caught most of Washington by surprise, including – no surprise here – Chancellor Squirrelhead’s own staff.
Transgender Americans were given a green light to serve openly in the military by former Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter, who served in President Obama’s (D-IL) administration. As has been the policy with every decision made by Obama, the administration of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s decided to review the policy.
Secretary of Defense Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis – among those caught off guard today – was said to need the rest of 2017 to review the pros and cons before making a final decision about accepting or overturning the policy, making today’s announcement even more puzzling.
Many believe that the highest-ranking elected C-Fundie in the country, Vice-President Mike Pence (R-IN), was the “brains” behind today’s policy announcement.
“With a fifth-grade education, you can bet that Chancellor Squirrelhead can’t even spell ‘transgender’ on his most-lucid days,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Whether this announcement was made to give the ‘Fake News’ another non-Russia target or not, we may never know. But this kind of prejudice is a Pence hallmark.
“You’ve got to believe that Pence was whacking off somewhere in the White House as Chancellor Squirrelhead announced this discriminatory and bigoted policy.”
The main reason given by Chancellor Squirrelhead for his decision – issued in a three-part tweet – was an economic one:
- After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow …
… Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming …
… victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you.
“Why did he consult with his generals?” asked a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s on record as saying he knows more than the generals do, so why bother them with this?”
A Rand Corporation study estimated that there are currently about 2,450 transgender service members. Of these, a small fraction would need the military to pay for gender transition services and procedures such as hormone therapy and surgery.
“Let’s say that 1,000 transgender soldiers wanted medical treatment in one year – which is a very high number,” said a statistician, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And let’s say that each soldier needed $100,000 in medical treatment – another very high number. That comes out to $100,000,000.
“Now, let’s consider the $700,000,000,000 funding appropriation Congress is considering for the Pentagon. If the budget passes, this overstated cost for transgender-related medical services would represent 1.4% of the Pentagon’s budget.
“How exactly do these numbers show that transgender medical services rate as a ‘tremendous’ medical cost?”
“The only thing ‘tremendous’ here is the level of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s bile, cruelty, and discrimination, proving once again what a vile covfefeing piece of shit, and poor excuse for a human being, he really is,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And he’s obviously working overtime to ensure he’s got a reservation in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell.”