(Charlottesville, VA — August 14, 2017) – The winds of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s self-inflicted firestorm took an abrupt change in direction over the past few days, shifting from North Korea and Guam to Charlottesville (VA).
And it doesn’t look like the flames will die down anytime soon.
Chancellor Squirrelhead remained mostly silent in the days following Saturday’s massacre of 32-year-old Heather Heyer, a Charlottesville paralegal. She attended the white supremacist “Unite the Right” rally as a counter-protester, becoming the only rally attendee to die when 20-year-old James Alex Fields, Jr. plowed his 2010 Dodge Challenger into the crowd, injuring dozens.
Fields now finds himself charged with second-degree murder.
In addition to Heyer, two Virginia State Patrol troopers involved in keeping the peace during the racist rally also died. Lieutenant H. Jay Cullen, 48, and Trooper-Pilot Berke M.M. Bates, 40, were killed when their helicopter crashed.
Chancellor Squirrelhead’s first attempt at addressing the issue blamed the counter-protesters as much as his racist, thuggish followers:
- “We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides – on many sides.”
“The only way you could blame the counter-protesters for being run over would be saying that they didn’t deserve to be here,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That means blacks, Jews, gays, non-Protestant Christians, and so on don’t belong in American society. Now, that’s what the inbred Trumpist Brownshirts who attended the rally believe, but Chancellor Squirrelhead’s statement reaffirms that he’s got their back. He’s in their corner. And it shows just how much of a twisted, perverted piece of covfefe he really is. Sad!”
Indeed, former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke (R-LA) – whom Chancellor Squirrelhead once said he didn’t know (he did) and took months to memorably “disavow” his extremist views – rejoiced at Chancellor Squirrelhead’s words, as they seemed to reaffirm his warped cause:
- “This represents a turning point for the people of this country. We are determined to take our country back, we’re going to fulfill the promises of Donald Trump, and that’s what we believed in, that’s why we voted for Donald Trump, because he said he’s going to take our country back and that’s what we gotta do.”
More than 48 hours after the incident, seeing that a poll released today gave him a 34% approval rating (the worst of his presidency), Chancellor Squirrelhead delivered some carefully-crafted remarks – which clearly were not written by him – giving a lukewarm denouncement of racism in America:
- “We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence. Racism is evil, and those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including the KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists and other hate groups that are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans.”
“Too little, too late,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Chancellor Squirrelhead got elected by including these people in his base. And now he’s taken more than two days to ‘adequately’ address the incident? It’s not going to work.
“And what the rest of his ‘supporters’ need to figure out is that it’s guilt-by-association. Those who aren’t members of the KKK, the ALT-RIGHT, or a neo-Nazi group are as guilty as the members are for putting Chancellor Squirrelhead into office. The likes of Eddie Munster and Turtlehead are finished. The Stench O’Trump permeates everything they do, everything they touch. And it will be their downfall. Sad!”
But the right-wing extremists began to fight back against the negative press coverage over the past few days, choosing to express a softer side of American terrorism.
“We’re really not bad people,” said a spokesman for the white supremacist group, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Aside from hating blacks, Orientals, Jews, Muslims, Catholics, and gays, we’re really a bunch of nice people,” said a spokesman for those responsible for putting on the “Unite the Right” rally, speaking on condition of anonymity.