(New York, NY — August 15, 2017) – Dogged by allegations that he didn’t speak out forcefully enough against the country’s agents of evil and domestic terrorism, Chancellor Squirrelhead gave an impromptu press conference in Trump Tower today.
And proceeded to hang himself by his own tongue.
Flanked by Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao and Chief of Staff John F. Kelly, Chancellor Squirrelhead had hoped to discuss plans for infrastructure improvements. The line of questioning, however, mostly covered the fallout from Saturday’s Charlottesville Massacre in Virginia, even as Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Nazgûl fanned out for damage control duty in an attempt to play down the seriousness of Saturday’s events.
But Chancellor Squirrelhead’s combative nature stole the spotlight as he insisted that some neo-Nazis are “fine people” and that the peaceful CTRL-SHIFT-LEFT counter-protesters were as much to blame as the inbred, white supremacist thugs who showed up in Charlottesville.
No wonder #ImpeachTrump is trending on Twitter.
Chao stood by silently and politely, allegedly tired from a night of bestiality with Turtlehead, her husband and the Senate’s head reptile. Or, as some surmised, she might have been too appalled by the bile spewing forth from Chancellor Squirrelhead’s mouth to utter a sound.
Indeed, even Kelly, recently brought to the White House to instill a sense of order and restraint, remained silent and appeared to be nauseous as his boss demonstrated his suffering from Diarrhea of the Mouth.
“Kelly had to be wondering just what the covfefe he’d gotten himself into,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But no one put a gun to his head, and now it’s his career and his reputation that are ruined. Sad!”
Chancellor Squirrelhead remained mostly silent in the days following the Charlottesville Massacre. At the white supremacist “Unite the Right” rally, 32-year-old Heather Heyer, a Charlottesville paralegal, attended as a counter-protester. She became the only rally attendee to die when 20-year-old James Alex Fields, Jr. plowed his 2010 Dodge Challenger into the crowd, injuring dozens.
In addition to Heyer, two Virginia State Patrol troopers involved in keeping the peace during the racist rally also died. Lieutenant H. Jay Cullen, 48, and Trooper-Pilot Berke M.M. Bates, 40, were killed when their helicopter crashed. Chancellor Squirrelhead issued a statement disrespecting their sacrifice.
It took Chancellor Squirrelhead 48 hours to give a lukewarm denunciation of hate groups like the KKK, neo-Nazis, and white supremacists.
And now, 24 hours later, that tepid denunciation is worthless.
“Today was Chancellor Squirrelhead’s coming-out party,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We all knew he was a racist piece of covfefe. After all, he’s got that rabid anti-Semite Stephen Bannon on his staff. But if there was any doubt about Chancellor Squirrelhead’s racism before today, there isn’t anymore. He’s a full-fledged Nazi sympathizer, a true brother of Klansmen, neo-Nazis, and white supremacists.
“I even understand that David Duke was pleasuring himself as he watched today’s spectacle unfold on television. Eww.”
Many weren’t surprised by Chancellor Squirrelhead’s about-face.
“His ‘base’ is made up of neo-Nazis, skinheads, ALT-RIGHT whack-jobs, white supremacists, and anti-Semites,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “How can he go against his base? They’d kill him – literally.
“And I’m sure that some in his base see this as an opportunity for Chancellor Squirrelhead to put them back to work through his ‘America First’ policy. They’re going to be disappointed. After all, Trump-brand shirts are made in Bangladesh, China, Honduras, and Vietnam, not America. And Trump-brand suits are made in China, Indonesia, and Mexico, not America. So the only question is which country or countries will manufacture his Trump-brand Nazi armbands? It probably won’t be America.
“But ‘surprised’ by the about-face? Not me. I guess some did Nazi it coming, but I think we all know where this is Göëring.”
A bigger problem for Republicans is the concept of guilt-by-association. Chancellor Squirrelhead’s attempt to justify the unjustifiable was likely the final nail in the coffin for the 160-year-old political party.
“This goes way beyond the ‘Stench O’Trump‘ concept,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Congressional Republicans have the power to terminate Chancellor Squirrelhead’s presidency, but they won’t. They’re as impotent as Chancellor Squirrelhead is brain-damaged. Happily, they’re all going down together. Sadly, since we just don’t know yet how soon, the country may be destroyed before it happens.”
Some memorable lines which make August 15, 2017, one of the darkest days in American history:
- “Mr. Bannon came on very much later than that. And I like him. He is a good man. He is not a racist. I can tell you that. He is a good person.”
- “Senator McCain? You mean the one that voted against Obamacare? You mean Senator McCain who voted against us getting good health care?”
- “I will tell you something. I watched those very closely, much more closely than you people watched it. And you had a group on one side that was bad and you had a group on the other side that was also very violent. And nobody wants to say that. But I’ll say it right now. You had a group on the other side that came charging in without a permit and they were very, very violent.”
- “But, many of those people were there to protest the taking down of the statue of Robert E. Lee. So this week, it is Robert E. Lee. I noticed that Stonewall Jackson is coming down. I wonder, is it George Washington next week? And is it Thomas Jefferson the week after? You know, you really do have to ask yourself, where does it stop?”
- “I think they’ve gotten better or the same. Look, they [race relations] have been frayed for a long time. And you can ask President Obama about that because he would make speeches about it.”
- “Well I do think there’s blame. Yes, I think there is blame on both sides. You look at both sides. I think there is blame on both sides. And I have no doubt about it.”
- “Excuse me. They didn’t put themselves down as neo-Nazis. And you had some very bad people in that group. But you also had people that were very fine people on both sides.”