(New York, NY — August 15, 2017) – Chancellor Squirrelhead’s mindless agents of evil today attempted to play down Saturday’s slaughter in Charlottesville by insisting it wasn’t all that bad.
Tell that to Heather Heyer.
Heyer, a 32-year-old paralegal from Charlottesville attending the white supremacist “Unite the Right” rally as a counter-protester, was mowed down by 20-year-old James Alex Fields, Jr. when he plowed his 2010 Dodge Challenger into the crowd, injuring dozens.
At an impromptu press conference today at Trump Tower, Chancellor Squirrelhead addressed Heyer’s death – by insisting, three days after her death, that she’s still alive:
- In fact, the young woman, who I hear is a fantastic young woman, and it was on NBC, her mother wrote me and said through I guess Twitter, social media, the nicest things. And I very much appreciated that.
In fact, Heyer’s mother, Susan Diane Bro, never reached out to Chancellor Squirrelhead, providing yet another example of his contacting, or being contacted by, imaginary people.
“Chancellor Squirrelhead’s base of Klansmen, white supremacists, neo-Nazis, ALT-RIGHTists, and the rest of his Trumpist Brownshirts murdered Heather Heyer,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And then he made up some kind of sweet, intimate contact with the woman’s family. What a worthless piece of covfefe!”
While busy taking credit for an imaginary conversation with Heyer’s mother, Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Nazgûl fanned out for damage control duty, less than 24 hours before a memorial service for Heyer in Charlottesville.
“It’s a shame about Fields’ car,” said one of the Minions of Mephistopheles, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Those CTRL-SHIFT-LEFT evildoers say they were in Charlottesville to protest these so-called ‘hate groups’ but they were only there to cause property damage. It will cost thousands of dollars to fix up his car. And who’s going to pay for it? Not these CTRL-SHIFT-LEFT bad dudes and bad hombres. Sad!”
“Everyone has been wringing their hands about this alleged ‘Charlottesville Massacre’ for the past three days,” said a spokesman for The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But the Failing New York Times, the Bezos Washington Post, and the rest of the fake news never made such a fuss over the Bowling Green Massacre. Where were they then? And it was much, much worse than what happened in Charlottesville, believe me. Maybe they should do an investigation into that?”
Sadly, there is no such thing as the Bowling Green Massacre.