(Brussels, Belgium — July 11, 2018) – When being interviewed by Geraldo Rivera in 1988, former presidential candidate Charles Manson asked, “What about NATO?”
Thirty years later, that’s what everyone is asking.
Instead of doing the sensible thing and disinviting him, NATO heads of state gave a warm greeting to Chancellor Squirrelhead at this week’s summit. They were repaid for their kindness by being covfefed upon by the first illegitimate American POTUS.
Chancellor Squirrelhead kicked off today’s meetings by calling multiple NATO countries “delinquent” in paying their fair share for maintaining the alliance.
“If anyone knows about being delinquent, it’s Chancellor Squirrelhead,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s a juvenile delinquent.”
He then shifted to berating Germany, the country that contributes the most of any other NATO member, after the United States. He accused the country of “being captive to Russia” for purchasing oil and natural gas from Perestroika Putie, as well as allowing for his construction of the Nord Stream 2 pipeline through German territory.
“To call Germany ‘captive to Russia’ is incredibly insulting, and shows that Chancellor Squirrelhead has no sense of history,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Half of Germany was held ‘captive’ by the Soviet Union until 1990. And that half is where [German Chancellor] Angela Merkel is from, so no current politician in NATO would understand being ‘captive’ to Russia better than she does. And by not making these energy deals with Russia, her people might freeze to death during severe winters. But I guess Chancellor Squirrelhead doesn’t have that kind of foresight.
“The bottom line, I believe, is that he’s angry because he’s supposed to be the Leader of the Free World, and he’s not – she is. And this misogynistic moron has no use for any woman he can’t dominate or grab by the covfefe.
“Add in serious concerns because Russia manipulated the 2016 presidential election – and got Chancellor Squirrelhead installed in the White House – and you’ve got a real problem on your hands.”
Indeed, many around the world this evening are wondering if they are witnessing the end of a 69-year-old alliance that has kept the peace in Europe since the years following World War II.
“The only thing that kept the Soviet Union from invading Europe was NATO,” continued the historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. The only thing that kept European nations from attacking each other – as they did during World War I and World War II – was NATO.
“Someone with no sense of the past 100 years of world history has no idea what they’re doing in trying to destroy NATO.”
An overly-assertive Russia annexed Crimea from Ukraine in 2014, and clearly has Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, and Poland in its sights. The dissolution of NATO would make its job much simpler.
“The irony is that only one country has ever invoked Article 5 of the NATO Charter,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That’s the ‘collective defence’ section, and it means that if one NATO member is attacked, all other NATO members must assist. That one country is now about to dissolve NATO.”
It is true – not “fake news” from Faux News – that the United States invoked Article 5 after the September 11, 2001, terror attacks.
“And it was invoked by a Republican president,” added the political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity.”
Many might wonder why Chancellor Squirrelhead would go down this path of obvious catastrophe.
“He’s playing to his base,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He keeps talking about how NATO countries aren’t paying enough. He keeps threatening to pull back American troops from Germany. From South Korea. From Japan. Well, if the troops are all coming home, why the covfefe did he force Congress to pass a $500,000,000,000 defense bill?
“Also, speaking of his base, once the troops are home and we’re no longer paying for NATO, do his knuckle-dragging, banjo-picking, inbred hick Deplorables really think they’re going to see a dime? Of course not! The money will go towards another $31,000 dining room table for Mumblepuss. Or be used as seed money for Trump real estate deals.
“Get smart, Trumpist Brownshirts, your Führer is going to pocket the money and you’ll still lose your jobs – no coal for you! – and your health insurance. You’ll still be out on the street, living under a bridge and eating cat food. I’ll bet you did Nazi that coming, but you can see where he’s Göëring with it.
“Is that enough ‘winning’ for you?”