(Washington, DC — July 23, 2018) – Chancellor Squirrelhead sought relief from a very bad week – during which he committed treason while outing his complicity in Russia’s rigging of the 2016 presidential election.
So, late Sunday night, while relieving himself, he decided to target Iran.
“It’s ironic – or maybe a bit sick – that leaders throughout the centuries have meted out justice from their respective thrones,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But Chancellor Squirrelhead is neither a leader nor the owner of a throne.
“He’s reduced to dispensing ‘justice’ from the seat of his golden porcelain god. For his sake, one has to hope the contents of his toilet paper dispenser last longer than his tweetstorms.”
Perhaps he consumed one Big Mac too many. Perhaps the bag of prunes weren’t doing their job. For whatever reason, Chancellor Squirrelhead decided to seek relief by bullying Iran by using all CAPS in his tweet:
Many believe this is nothing but an attempt by Chancellor Squirrelhead to “wag the dog” and divert attention from the Russian noose currently tightening around his orange neck.
“The attempt will be unsuccessful,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He just blew up the 70-year-old NATO alliance. He just destroyed Anglo-American relations. And he just defended a murderous tyrant at the Helsinki summit #TreasonSummit whose country has 1,500 nuclear missiles pointed at us. There’s no way any action by Chancellor Squirrelhead is going to clean up the mess he made last week.”
However, his die-hard Trumpist Brownshirts apparently believe his bullying tactics will eliminate all threats posed by Iran. One such individual is Ari “Diarrhea of the Mouth” Fleischer, Shrub’s White House press secretary. He’s best known for throwing his full support behind the 2003 invasion of Iraq. And in spite of that “successful” campaign leading to the murder of 4,400 American military personnel, plus the maiming of tens of thousands more (not to mention the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis killed, maimed, or displaced), he went on Faux News to call for similar action to be taken in Iran:
- “The people want their basic needs, they want their food, they want their health care, they want their environment, and the Iranian government is so corrupt it’s making it much harder for people to live in that country.”
“Aside from the irony of allowing someone who did what he did in Iraq to suggest doing it again, the statement is very telling of where Chancellor Squirrelhead’s Trumpist Brownshirts are mentally,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That statement of Diarrhea of the Mouth’s easily applies to the United States of America in 2018, because every part of the statement is true. And it’s the Federal government that he supports that’s making it so difficult on American citizens.
“Maybe he and his fellow Deplorables should first concentrate on improving the lives of people over here before committing to kill hundreds of thousands over there?”
Perhaps even more ironic is a particular part of the tweet aimed at Iran’s president, Hassan Rouhani:
- “… SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.”
“This was supposed to be aimed at Iran,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity, “but it applies 100% to the American people. Thanks to Russia’s rigging the 2016 presidential election, Americans are doing just that. Suffering.”