Turtlehead Slithers as Shutdown 2018 Withers

(Washington, DC — January 22, 2018) – By a vote of 81-18 in the Senate, and 266-150 in the House, Shutdown 2018 can be declared officially over. And so ends the first Federal government shutdown in history in which the three entities responsible – the House of Representatives, the Senate, and the White House –…

Patriotism OK – One Day a Year

(Washington, DC — January 24, 2017) – Donald Trump (R-NY) could have chosen any one of a number of issues to address during his first hours in office. Not surprisingly, he decided to act on one to satisfy his serial malignant narcissism. Chancellor Squirrelhead designated January 20, 2017, as the National Day of Patriotic Devotion…

Walker Walks Away from Election 2016

(Madison, WI — September 21, 2015) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R-WI) has suspended his presidential campaign, ending a 71-day campaign which never really got off the ground. Walker’s exit means there are only 15 remaining Republicans – as well as five Democrats and one Independent – vying for the highest office in the land,…

In Vermont, Avian Approval of Atomic Power

(Vernon, VT — August 19, 2015) – Residents throughout Vermont and the Northeast were thrilled when Entergy, the owner of the Vermont Yankee Nuclear Power Station, announced plans to shutter the facility and begin its long-term decommissioning process. But not everyone is basking in the afterglow of the decision. Vermont Yankee, which began operation in…

Angry Animals Retaliate Over Dumb Dentist

(Marietta, TX — August 2, 2015) – A local man took on a fearsome armadillo, betting the animal was no match for his .38 revolver. He was wrong. The Marietta man, who has decided to remain anonymous in order to avoid having his name associated publicly with blatant stupidity, shot at the animal at 3:00am…

NC Shark Attack Mystery Solved After Consuming Residents for Weeks

(Rodanthe, NC — July 3, 2015) – After weeks of exhaustive research and millions of dollars spent, Federal officials have determined the cause of 15 recent shark attacks off the coast of North Carolina. Sharks. “We have concluded that the shark attacks could only have been caused by sharks,” said a spokesman for the Fish…

Spielberg May Face Murder Charges

(Los Angeles, CA) – A controversial photograph of director Steven Spielberg surfaced today, threatening to undermine his legacy as one of the greatest filmmakers of all time. At issue is Spielberg’s involvement with an animal that died – 66 million years ago. The posting on Facebook, which has since gone viral, shows Spielberg sitting in…