I Spy … A Paranoid Orange Menace

(Washington, DC — March 5, 2017) – Your illegitimate presidential administration is barely six weeks old. You find your handpicked staff producing scandal after scandal after scandal. What’s the best thing to do? Invent a new, totally fictitious scandal! Wiretappgate seems to be the latest installment of the Donald Trump (R-NY) Show, as Chancellor Squirrelhead…

Trump Disapproval Numbers are YUUUGE!!! as Buyer’s Remorse Sets In

(Washington, DC — January 30, 2017) Donald Trump (R-NY) is “winning” at something; he has succeeded in turning at least half the country against him. That didn’t take long. It took Chancellor Squirrelhead a mere eight days – 8 – to reach a 50% disapproval rating, adding to his status as the first illegitimate President…

The Bane of Our Existence

(Washington, DC — January 21, 2017) – The Republican Party got caught with its pants down – or, at least, Melania Trump’s pants – during the Republican National Convention, thanks to her acts of plagiarism. It looks like Republicans have learned nothing from that scandal. Melaniagate began on July 19 in Cleveland (temporarily known as…

First Inaugural Address of Chancellor Squirrelhead, Illegitimate POTUS

(Washington, DC — January 18, 2017) – The following is an advance copy of Donald Trump’s (R-NY) first inaugural address, which will be delivered to an audience of hundreds worldwide on January 20, 2017. It was obtained at great risk and at a great price; many Bothans died to bring us this information. My fellow…

Uproar over Hillary’s Health Makes Many Ill

(Washington, DC — September 13, 2016) – As the faux furor over Hillary Clinton’s (D-NY) bout with pneumonia continued, many debated why this was such a hot-button issue this campaign season. “It’s possible she’s being targeted for being weak because she’s a woman,” said a psychologist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That’s what people like…

Treasonous Trump Tosses Wide Nyet with Russia

(Off the Reservation, FL — July 27, 2016) – Presidential candidate Donald Trump (R-NY) has endorsed espionage against his main opponent, Hillary Clinton (D-NY). By definition, that’s treason. Between E-mailgate and E-mailgate III, Clinton and the Democratic Party have had a lot on their plate. Regarding E-mailgate III, however, there have been rumblings about Russia being…

Trump Attempts to Abort Abortion “Punishment” Comments

(Madison, WI — March 30, 2016) – Outspoken presidential candidate Donald Trump (R-NY) gave himself a bit of whiplash today as he was forced to recant some controversial words about the fate of women seeking abortions. “The little voice inside his head should have been screaming ‘Abort! Abort!’ before he opened his mouth,” said a…