In 2018, a Sorry State of the Uniom

(February 6, 2018 — Washington, DC) – Chancellor Squirrelhead gave the first State of the Uniom address in America’s history on January 30. FLATLINE has acquired an unedited draft of the speech, which is even more racist, rabid, and offensive than the one given last Tuesday. Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the…

Body-Slammer a Slam-Dunk for Montana COTUS Representative

(Bozeman, MT — May 26, 2017) – Congressional candidate Greg Gianforte (R-MT), 56, won the state’s special election for membership in the House of Representatives yesterday, beating back challenger Rob Quist (D-MT). But it wasn’t the drubbing Republicans had hoped for. The special election was called to replace Montana’s lone House member, Ryan Zinke (R-MT),…

D-Force Finds its VOICE

(Washington, DC — March 1, 2017) – In his address to a joint session of Congress last night, Donald Trump (R-NY) made his feelings about the country’s illegal immigrants crystal-clear. As if there were any questions about his feelings before last night’s speech. In mid-February, Chancellor Squirrelhead and Paul Ryan (R-WI) flip-flopped on the topic…

Let the Games Begin!

(Washington, DC — April 14, 2015) – America’s two major political parties finally have at least one candidate each for the 2016 race for the White House. Only about 565 days left until Election Day. On Sunday, Hillary Clinton (D-NY) announced her candidacy via video. The 2008 presidential candidate is starting out her campaigning slowly…

The Situation Appears Grimm

(Washington, DC) – Eleven months after threatening to throw a reporter off a balcony, it is Michael Grimm’s (R-NY) career that is plummeting into the abyss. He may soon find his fall broken by a jail cell. Grimm announced yesterday that he will resign from Congress next Monday. Charged with 20 counts of misconduct related…

Operation Shazam! Expanded Against ISIS as Threat Grows

(Washington, DC) – On September 10, President Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya) presented his case to average, ordinary, everyday Americans for attacking the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) (aka “Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)” and “Islamic State (IS)” and “Al-Qaeda in Iraq”). The country – and the world – has used the…

Minimum Wage Hike Could Destroy Economy, Members of Congress Warn

(Washington, DC) – During the 2014 State of the Union, President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) proposed increasing the minimum wage by $2.85 per hour. The proposal, which would provide the first raise in the current $7.25 minimum wage since its adoption on July 24, 2009, would provide a “living wage” of $10.10 per hour to low-wage Americans.…