Trump’s Minions of Mephistopheles Dismiss Charlottesville Massacre

(New York, NY — August 15, 2017) – Chancellor Squirrelhead’s mindless agents of evil today attempted to play down Saturday’s slaughter in Charlottesville by insisting it wasn’t all that bad. Tell that to Heather Heyer. Heyer, a 32-year-old paralegal from Charlottesville attending the white supremacist “Unite the Right” rally as a counter-protester, was mowed down…

Trump Taunts Troopers

(Charlottesville, VA — August 14, 2017) – Chancellor Squirrelhead broke his silence today over Saturday’s massacre at the white supremacist “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville (VA). Maybe he should have just kept his covfefeing mouth shut. Today’s statement addressed the sacrifice of the two Virginia State Patrol troopers who gave their lives in trying…

Trump on Charlottesville: “What’s All the Führer?”

(Charlottesville, VA — August 14, 2017) – The winds of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s self-inflicted firestorm took an abrupt change in direction over the past few days, shifting from North Korea and Guam to Charlottesville (VA). And it doesn’t look like the flames will die down anytime soon. Chancellor Squirrelhead remained mostly silent in the days following…

McDonnell Springs Back into Action

(Virginia Beach, VA — February 5, 2017) – Governor Bob McDonnell (R-VA) is a practicing lawyer once again. Wait a second. This is the same Bob McDonnell who nearly became Mitt Romney’s (R-MA) running mate in 2012. This is the same Bob McDonnell of McDonnellgate fame. This is the same Bob McDonnell who accepted more…

Continental Divide

(New York, NY — November 11, 2016) – Thousands of Americans took to the streets on Wednesday and Thursday to protest the election of Donald Trump (R-NY) as the 45th President of the United States. Like it will matter. On Wednesday, Squirrelhead Donald called for reconciliation, but if these protests are any indication, that ship…

A Not-So-Super Tuesday for the GOP Establishment

(Washington, DC — March 2, 2016) – On March 5, 1992, cartoonist Jeff Danziger of The Christian Science Monitor drew “The Tsongas Pronunciation Guide (A Random Tsample)” in honor of that year’s Super Tuesday contest. Playing on Senator Paul Tsongas’ (D-MA) name, he said that “Tsuper Tsuesday” was a “big deal in the Tsouth.” Super…

Rats! Cafeteria Closes as Feds are Forced to Forage for Food

(Rockville, MD — June 24, 2015) – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is attempting to make its employees set a national example by eating healthier. Or not at all. FDA employees experienced a rude start to their day today when they discovered their cafeteria was no longer open for business. The Three White Flint…