(Helsinki, Finland — July 16, 2018) – After rupturing the NATO alliance, and after destroying the alliance between the United States and the United Kingdom, many expected Chancellor Squirrelhead to cozy up to Russia’s Perestroika Putie, thus hitting a trifecta. Mission Accomplished. In reality, anyone could have seen this coming from a mile away. At…
(Washington, DC – July 9, 2018) — In a made-for-TV event rivaling LeBron James’ classless “The Decision” from July 8, 2010, Chancellor Squirrelhead will announce his pick to replace the retiring Supreme Court justice Anthony M. Kennedy tonight at 9:00pm ET. The announcement will represent one more step in Chancellor Squirrelhead’s dismantling of the nation,…
(New York, NY — August 15, 2017) – Chancellor Squirrelhead’s mindless agents of evil today attempted to play down Saturday’s slaughter in Charlottesville by insisting it wasn’t all that bad. Tell that to Heather Heyer. Heyer, a 32-year-old paralegal from Charlottesville attending the white supremacist “Unite the Right” rally as a counter-protester, was mowed down…
(New York, NY — August 15, 2017) – Dogged by allegations that he didn’t speak out forcefully enough against the country’s agents of evil and domestic terrorism, Chancellor Squirrelhead gave an impromptu press conference in Trump Tower today. And proceeded to hang himself by his own tongue. Flanked by Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao and…
(Charlottesville, VA — August 14, 2017) – Chancellor Squirrelhead broke his silence today over Saturday’s massacre at the white supremacist “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville (VA). Maybe he should have just kept his covfefeing mouth shut. Today’s statement addressed the sacrifice of the two Virginia State Patrol troopers who gave their lives in trying…
(Charlottesville, VA — August 14, 2017) – The winds of Chancellor Squirrelhead’s self-inflicted firestorm took an abrupt change in direction over the past few days, shifting from North Korea and Guam to Charlottesville (VA). And it doesn’t look like the flames will die down anytime soon. Chancellor Squirrelhead remained mostly silent in the days following…
(Washington, DC — January 28, 2017) – Donald Trump (R-NY) marked the 72nd anniversary of International Holocaust Remembrance Day in a manner befitting an anti-Semite with neo-Nazi supporters. He neglected to name the religion of the Holocaust’s most-numerous victims: Jews. Not only was a reference to the religion missing from his proclamation, but Chancellor Squirrelhead…
