American Carnage Terminated Thanks to Trump

(Washington, DC — January 22, 2017) – During his inaugural address, Donald Trump (R-NY) referenced the country’s “American carnage” and declared that it would end. Immediately. Mission accomplished. His “American carnage” reference will likely be one of the most-remembered quotes in inaugural address history: “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.” The…

Federal Employees Warned on Porn

(Washington, DC) – The United States of America is facing challenges on all fronts. Islamic Fundamentalists, such as those belonging to ISIS (aka “Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)” and “Islamic State (IS)” and “Al-Qaeda in Iraq”), want to behead us. North Korea wants to attack us with nuclear weapons. The country has…

Congress Shamed into Moving on Unemployment Assistance

(Washington, DC) – An article published just five days ago on FLATLINEgov has spurred the United States Senate to agree upon extending benefits for the unemployed. “This shows that FLATLINEgov is a valuable tool in legislatively moving the country forward,” said a FLATLINEgov spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. On December 28, 2013, Congress allowed…

Congress Approves $1 Billion in Aid for Ukraine, $0 for America’s Unemployed

(Washington, DC) – On December 28, 2013, Congress allowed the country’s Emergency Unemployment Compensation (EUC) program to expire, meaning 1.3 million Americans were no longer eligible for continued unemployment assistance from the Federal government. On February 6, Congress tried again to pass a $6.4 billion, three-month EUC extension. It failed. One month later, on March…