In 2018, a Sorry State of the Uniom

(February 6, 2018 — Washington, DC) – Chancellor Squirrelhead gave the first State of the Uniom address in America’s history on January 30. FLATLINE has acquired an unedited draft of the speech, which is even more racist, rabid, and offensive than the one given last Tuesday. Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the…

Atlanta Burning

(Houston, TX — February 6, 2017) – The Atlanta Falcons suffered a 34-28 defeat yesterday at the hands of the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI. It looks like Atlanta’s punishment is just beginning. The historic Super Bowl featured the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history (25 points; New England was down 28-3) as…

Electoral College Certifies First Illegitimate POTUS in American History

(Washington, DC — December 20, 2016) – The Electoral College yesterday failed to perform its Constitutional duty and instead certified Donald Trump (R-NY) as the winner of the 2016 presidential election. Grade for the 2016 Electoral College? FAIL! “The Electoral College has proven that every vote does not count,” said a legal expert from the…

E-mailgate: The Spam Hits the Fan

(Chappaqua, NY – March 12, 2015) – Hillary Clinton’s choice of using a non-government E-mail account to conduct business for the sake of “convenience” may turn out to the most inconvenient decision she’s ever made. While serving as Secretary of State under President Obama (D-IL/Kenya), Clinton – a possible contender for the Democratic 2016 presidential nomination…

Congress Listens as Netanyahu Goes Nuclear

(Washington, DC — March 3, 2015) – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finally gave his long-awaited – and much criticized – speech to a joint session of Congress today. Make that 89% of a joint session of Congress. If the purpose of the speech was to warn Congress about Iran’s nuclear ambitions, cause a diplomatic…

Apologies All Around in Ferguson

(Ferguson, MO) – Police Chief Thomas Jackson, of Ferguson, issued a heartfelt, videotaped apology to the parents of slain teen Michael Brown. He then issued an apology for the apology. On August 9, white police officer Darren Wilson shot and killed the unarmed Brown, an African-American. The aftermath? Twelve days of rioting, looting, arrests, investigations,…

Federal Employees Warned on Porn

(Washington, DC) – The United States of America is facing challenges on all fronts. Islamic Fundamentalists, such as those belonging to ISIS (aka “Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)” and “Islamic State (IS)” and “Al-Qaeda in Iraq”), want to behead us. North Korea wants to attack us with nuclear weapons. The country has…