First Inaugural Address of Chancellor Squirrelhead, Illegitimate POTUS

(Washington, DC — January 18, 2017) – The following is an advance copy of Donald Trump’s (R-NY) first inaugural address, which will be delivered to an audience of hundreds worldwide on January 20, 2017. It was obtained at great risk and at a great price; many Bothans died to bring us this information. My fellow…

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

(Kiev, Ukraine) – As Labor Day passes, children in the United States can now look forward to a promising, fun-filled school year. One of their first assignments will undoubtedly be papers and/or presentations focusing on what they did during their summer vacations. As it turns out, members of the Russian military are able to do…

Billions to the Border

(Washington, DC) – In 2005, Kanye West famously claimed, “George Bush [R-TX] doesn’t care about black people.” Now it looks like President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) doesn’t care about illegal immigrants. Faced with a border crisis involving tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors arriving from El Salavador, Guatemala, and Honduras, Obama asked Congress this week for $3,700,000,000…

Hard to Beliebe

(New York, NY) – Another day, another apology from superstar Justin Bieber. Again. Bieber is no stranger to controversy. On January 23, he was apprehended in Florida for drag-racing while DUI – without a license. For whatever reason, the DUI episode garnered much more attention than the incident of April 12, 2013, when Bieber visited…

Congress Sours on Release of American POW

(Washington, DC) – After five years of captivity at the hands of the Taliban, U.S. Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl is a POW no more; he is a free man. Bergdahl is presumably happy. President Obama is pleased. Bergdahl’s parents and relatives are ecstatic. Bergdahl’s hometown in Idaho is planning a celebration. Members of Congress? Not…

US to Iranian Diplomat: “No Visa for You!”

(Washington, DC) – The government of Iran has chosen its new ambassador to the United Nations. But he’ll never get to see the building in-person. On April 10, Congress passed a bill that denies access to the United States for any representative of the United Nations with ties to terrorism. The legislation passed in both…

Mapping a Strategy for Ukraine

(Shelton, CT) – Many Americans want their government to intervene in the Crimea crisis in Ukraine. However, polling suggests the ones who are most gung-ho for intervention are the ones who have no idea where Ukraine is located. A recent poll taken by Survey Sampling International Inc. (SSI) – headquartered in Shelton, Connecticut – revealed…