FBI Director’s Firing Was a Long Time Comey-ing

(Washington, DC — May 10, 2017) – October 20, 1973, is known for the Saturday Night Massacre. Thanks to Donald Trump (R-NY), May 9, 2017, will forever be known as the Tuesday Night Massacre. On October 20, 1973, President Richard Nixon (R-CA), neck-deep in the Watergate scandal, ordered the firing of Watergate Special Prosecutor Archibald…

Squirrelhead Blows Up Syria

(Washington, DC — April 7, 2017) – Facing a horrific attack by the Syrian government on its own citizens using banned chemical weapons, Donald Trump (R-NY) yesterday sent 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles into the war-torn country, deepening America’s involvement in Syria’s six-year-old civil war while practicing a level of hyperhypocrisy not previously seen in human…

National Insecurity

(Washington, DC — February 14, 2017) – Flynngate hit a fever pitch today following last night’s resignation of Michael Flynn as Donald Trump’s (R-NY) National Security Advisor after just 24 days on the job. And the mounting evidence shows him to be a real Flynn-Flan Man. Flynn had multiple contacts with Sergey Kislyak, the Russian…

First Inaugural Address of Chancellor Squirrelhead, Illegitimate POTUS

(Washington, DC — January 18, 2017) – The following is an advance copy of Donald Trump’s (R-NY) first inaugural address, which will be delivered to an audience of hundreds worldwide on January 20, 2017. It was obtained at great risk and at a great price; many Bothans died to bring us this information. My fellow…

Electoral College Certifies First Illegitimate POTUS in American History

(Washington, DC — December 20, 2016) – The Electoral College yesterday failed to perform its Constitutional duty and instead certified Donald Trump (R-NY) as the winner of the 2016 presidential election. Grade for the 2016 Electoral College? FAIL! “The Electoral College has proven that every vote does not count,” said a legal expert from the…

Editorial: Endorsement of Donald Trump

FLATLINE is proud to endorse Donald Trump (R-NY). But not for President of the United States of America. The list of fine, upstanding publications which have endorsed Squirrelhead Donald for POTUS is quite thin: the Antelope Valley Press (Palmdale, CA); the Florida Times-Union (Jacksonville, FL); the Las Vegas Review-Journal; the Santa Barbara News-Press; the St.…

Squirrelhead Donald Chews the Fat with a Side of Misogyny

(New York, NY — October 4, 2016) – There’s no shortage in Donald Trump’s (R-NY) Bag-O-Insults, but people with weight problems – or perceived weight problems – appear to have borne the brunt of Squirrelhead Donald’s wrath over the past two weeks. The current string of insults began during the first presidential debate on September…