Bill Cosby, Rapist? You’re Pudding Me On!

Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby

(New York, NY) – At 77, Bill Cosby had already attained entertainment immortality from his decades of work. He was looking at two new jobs, one with NBC, the other with Netflix.

How quickly things change when your moral foundation is equivalent to a bowl of Jell-O placed on the San Andreas Fault.

As Cosby faces old and new rape allegations on a daily basis, NBC and Netflix have put their respective Cosby projects on hold. And it looks like Cosby’s career – not to mention his legacy – are irreparably tarnished.

Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby

For his part, the former Jell-O spokesman – famous for promoting Jell-O Pudding Pops – is denying the multiple allegations of rape. But the public doesn’t seem to be buying his claims of innocence.

“It’s horrifying to watch this train wreck,” said an entertainment industry insider, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s like [Cosby-created cartoon character] Fat Albert is crushing his spirit, his career, his legacy. It’s very, very sad.”

Cosby and allies are now in full damage-control mode and fighting back.

Rudy of "Fat Albert" Fame

Rudy of
“Fat Albert” Fame

“These allegations are completely false,” said a Cosby spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And Mr. Cosby will prove it. He’s hired a Hollywood lawyer that’s exonerated more stars of rape and murder than the number of plastic surgeries endured by Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson combined.”

Some blame one of Cosby’s associates for the sexual assaults.

“We all know that [Cosby-created cartoon character] Rudy Davis is a smug, narcissistic individual,” said an entertainment industry reporter, speaking on condition of anonymity. “There’s no telling what he’s capable of – including framing Bill Cosby for rape.”

Other veterans of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids disagree with placing the blame somewhere other than squarely on Cosby. One in particular, Mushmouth, discussed – through a spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity – the allegedly unfair treatment he and the rest of the cast received at Cosby’s hands:

Mushmouth of "Fat Albert" Fame

Mushmouth of
“Fat Albert” Fame

“Heybuh, Manbuh, Ibuh dobuhn’t thinkbuh thabuht Billbuh isbuh guiltybuh. Ibuh workedbuh withbuh himbuh forbuh yearsbuh, andbuh hebuh wasbuh nobuhthing butbuh fairbuh tobuh allbuh of usbuh. Thenbuh againbuh, therebuh werebuh nobuh febuhmale “rebuhgulars” inbuh thebuh Junkbuh Yardbuh Gangbuh. Ibuh albuhwaysbuh wonderbuhed aboutbuh thatbuh. Andbuh, nowbuh thatbuh youbuh menbuhtion itbuh, ifbuh he’sbuh abuh multi-millionairebuh, whabuht werebuh webuh doingbuh surroundedbuh bybuh garbuhagebuh? Webuh hadbuh tobuh makebuh oubuht mubuhsical instrubuhments outbuh ofbuh trashbuh. Couldbuhn’t hebuh affordbuh tobuh buybuh usbuh realbuh instrubuhments? Orbuh atbuh leastbuh gebuht usbuh abuh rebuhcord dealbuh? Bastardbuh.”
Kind Letter from the FBI to MLK

Kind Letter from
the FBI to MLK

The country’s legal authorities are taking the allegations very seriously. The Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) has opened a file on Cosby and is probing the rape allegations.

Department of Justice

Department of Justice

“We promise a thorough, fair, and impartial review of the Cosby allegations,” said a FBI spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Yes, we have sometimes been abusive towards African-Americans, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., but those days are mostly behind us. We’re much more tolerant now.”

The FBI is expected to release its preliminary findings – including its impartial racist rantings – shortly.