(Washington, DC — March 16, 2016) – In spite of persistent Congressional Republican threats, President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) will announce today at 11:00am his nominee to fill the vacant Supreme Court seat.
And the choice will reportedly be hard for Congress to turn down.
An opening on the Supreme Court became available on February 13, when 79-year-old Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead at the Cibolo Creek Ranch resort in Marfa, TX. Upon his death, he immediately departed for the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell.
The threats from Senate Majority Leader Mitch “Turtlehead” McConnell (R-KY) and his followers began as soon as Scalia’s cold, lifeless, motionless body was found. Turtlehead argues that the next SCOTUS justice shouldn’t be nominated by a lame-duck president, but instead should be put forth by a president the American people have voted for.
Democrats counter that Americans did vote for President Obama – twice – and that they are bound by Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution to consider a Supreme Court nominee.
The White House has created a new Twitter handle – @SCOTUSnom – to allow average, ordinary, everyday Americans to follow the expected gridlock and partisan bickering that should last until the end of 2016.
Predicting such a delay, the White House has also prepared the Twitter hashtag #ImpeachThe54 should the nominee be held in Congressional limbo.
But Republicans may find it hard to stonewall, as FLATLINEgov has learned that the nominee is none other than Turtlehead.
“We’ll see if they can refuse to bestow such an honor on one of their own,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Turtlehead is at once a Republican leader who has stonewalled on every Obama initiative since January 20, 2009. Why not give Congressional Republicans what they want?”
The choice has caught most of Washington off-guard. Up until now, the argument has been nominating someone who was liberal vs. moderate vs. conservative (as Scalia was). But this choice would seem to change everything.
“You can argue against this statement, but we’ve never had a true reptile on the Supreme Court,” said a Constitutional scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So we’re really in uncharted waters here.”